KFP: The Hangover
by Empressimperia
Summary: To celebrate Po's 25th birthday, Crane, Monkey and Mantis planned a party they would never forget… now they have to remember what exactly went down when their friend goes missing the morning after! A parody of the Hangover series, but nowhere near as rude.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer- No, I do not own Kung Fu Panda, or Hangover.**

**In case anyone's wondering where the hell this idea came from… one night me and my sister disagreed over which film to watch- I, naturally wanted to watch Kung Fu Panda 2, while my sister wanted to watch the Hangover. We eventually agreed to watch them both, and in my sleep-deprived state, the two films somehow blended together in my mind, along with the reviews I had read which complained about the Furious Five not getting much screen time, and what came out was… _this_.**

**By the way, this is my first fan-fiction. Please don't be too harsh in your reviews, and try to give constructive criticism.**

**Cheers.**

* * *

It had been fourteen hours since they had last heard from the four men.

"Any sign of them, Viper?"

Viper turned away from the window and looked at Tigress, concern all over her reptilian features.

"No. No sign of them. And they said they'd be here by early morning."

"Well there has to be an explanation!" Tigress snapped. "How are we going to explain this to Master Shifu? We can't exactly say, 'I'm sorry, but Po and the others aren't going to be able to make it to the Moon Festival because they're too busy having a weekend-long party!' He'd go ballistic!"

"With the mood he's in, he'd lose it even if we say nothing." Viper muttered. She glanced out the window again. "Where _are_ they?"

"WHERE IS THAT PANDA?"

The two women jumped as their furious red panda master burst into the living room, followed by Great Master Viper.

"Tigress! Viper! Is there any sign of them?"

Tigress shook her head.

"Well, I have to head to the village square to oversee the final preparations. Let me know the minute they arrive!" Shifu stormed out the living room, and they heard him slam the front door shut as he left the building. There was a crash as the painting of the Tower of Sacred Flame fell from the wall.

"This isn't good." Viper sighed.

"Daughter, if what you tell me is true, this was the Dragon Warrior's first night out." Great Master Viper slithered up to his daughter. "He's inexperienced, probably never tasted a drop of alcohol in his life, and maybe even on the winning streak at a mah-jong table. And you _never_ walk away from the mah-jong table when you're on the winning streak."

"You do if you're gaining the rank of master!" Tigress scowled.

"Anyway, I'd better make sure Shifu doesn't take his anger out on the villagers." Viper's father slithered from the building.

Viper and Tigress sat in silence for several minutes.

"What kind of idiot stays at a mah-jong table for two nights straight?" Tigress eventually asked.

"An idiot who's on the winning streak." Replied Viper.

At that moment, there was a knock on the front door.

Viper and Tigress both sprinted into the main hall. Viper reached the door first and pulled it open with her tail.

Framed in the doorway were Crane, Monkey and Mantis, guilt and fear pasted on their faces.

"Where have you three been?" Tigress snapped. "And whe…" Her eyes widened at the sight of them. "What the _heck_ happened to you guys?"

Viper would have burst out laughing at the state the three were in if she hadn't been so angry at the moment. The two women stared at the men in shock, until Monkey spoke.

"Guys… we…" He glanced at his friends, who stared down at their feet in shame. "We screwed up."

"What are you talking about?" Viper asked.

"The party… the whole night… things just got out of control… and we…" He closed his eyes. "We lost Po."

There was a long silence.

"_What_?" Viper and Tigress said at the same time.

"We lost Po."

"What are you talking about?" Tigress nearly shouted. "He's supposed to be at the festival in four hours for the ceremony!"

"I'm sorry…" Monkey sighed. "But that's not going to happen…"


	2. Two Days Earlier

**Disclaimer- No, I do not own Kung Fu Panda, or Hangover.**

**Please don't be too harsh in your reviews, and try to give constructive criticism.**

**Cheers.**

* * *

"OUCH!"

Po nearly jumped out his skin.

"Watch where you're sticking that needle!"

The pig murmured an apology and resumed his stitching.

"Po, he barely pricked you." Crane glanced over at the panda.

"I know, but my butt is very sensitive!" Po replied defensively.

In the other three corners of the room, three other men were having their fittings. Crane spread his wings apart as he patiently waited for the goose to finish the stitching beneath his under-'wings', while Monkey allowed the second pig to adjust the red belt of his finished pants. Mantis, meanwhile was trying on several tiny hats, while a rabbit stood in front of him to determine how each one looked.

"How about this one?"

The rabbit looked at the tall red hat on the insect's head.

"No."

Mantis tried on another one, this time midnight blue with ribbons.

"How about this one?"

"No."

"How about this one?"

The rabbit paused.

"No."

"How about this one?"

"That's not even a hat."

Mantis glanced upwards, and then pulled down the pincushion, blushing furiously.

"Good thing there were no needles in it." Monkey chortled from the other side of the room.

"Why don't you choose for me?" A frustrated Mantis asked the rabbit. The rabbit nodded in agreement and began picking several hats out of the pile.

"Hey Po, are you excited about the Moon Festival?" Crane asked as the goose finished stitching and allowed him to lower his wings.

"You bet I am!" Po grinned. "You know I've never been to Viper's hometown before".

"And I bet she's thankful for that." Mantis grinned. Po glared at him before turning back to Crane.

"You know what I'm most excited about?" Po raised his arms as the pig began stitching the sides of his shirt. "After the festival, Shifu is going to officially proclaim me as Master! It's going to be awesome!" The panda was getting so excited the pig had to stop stitching.

Though Po had defeated Tai Lung and proved himself as the Dragon Warrior, he was not yet officially a kung fu master. Which was why the others understood his enthusiasm.

"Of course, it's going to be awesome that I'll meet Viper's dad! The great Great Master Viper of the Viper Clan! One drop of his venom is said to be able to fell _fifteen_ gorilla warriors!"

"And a mid-sized crocodile." Monkey added. "We know."

"The ceremony begins in two days, Po." Said Crane. "Isn't that the day of your birthday?"

"Yeah." Said Po. "Two days from now, I'm gonna be a quarter of a century old! Dad's going to make me a bowl of twenty-five dragon warrior-size dumplings to celebrate!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, _whoa_!" Mantis stared at Po. "And you're going to spend it at a _ceremony_?"

Po looked at his friend, slightly taken aback.

"Yeah, what's wrong with that?"

"Festivals and ceremonies are for holidays and kung fu!" Mantis exclaimed, hopping up to the panda. "Not birthdays! Birthdays should be spent on nights out with your buddies, drinking and getting into trouble!"

"_Mantis_!" Crane said, glaring at the insect. "Po should not be getting into trouble when he's about to become an official master of kung fu!"

Mantis frowned.

"But-"

"Crane's right." Said Monkey. "I'd love nothing more than to have a night out, but if something happens, Shifu would kill us all."

"But Monkey…"

"Mantis, I'll be fine spending my birthday at the Moon Festival." Said Po. "Besides, I've never had a night out before."

"You've never _what_?" Monkey nearly jumped out of his pants. "But Po, you're a grown up!"

Po turned red beneath his white fur.

"I had to help my dad with the shop. I never found the time for a night out."

"But you do now." Monkey grinned. "We're gonna have a night out tonight! Before we go to the village!"

"Alright!" Mantis waved his front legs in the air.

"Whoa, wait!" Crane couldn't believe what he was hearing. "What about what you just said, Monkey? If Shifu finds out about this…"

"He's already at Viper's hometown, he'll never know." Monkey said dismissively. "Right, here's what we're gonna do…"

* * *

"You want to WHAT?"

"It's just one night, Viper, and then we'll come straight to the festival the morning after." Said Mantis.

In the kitchen that afternoon, the guys relayed their plan to Viper and Tigress. They would remain in the Valley of Peace for one more night before traveling to Viper's village. They would party during the night, and then come to the village first thing in the morning.

"Out of the question!" Tigress snapped. "Do you have _any_ idea what Shifu would do if he learns of this?"

"That's why we're asking to you cover for us!" Said Monkey. "If Shifu asks, you tell him that Mr Ping's noodle shop was burgled, so we're staying behind one night to track the thieves down."

"That _is_ a believable story…" Viper thought, stroking her chin with her tail. "But I still think this is a bad idea."

"Hey, we're guys!" Mantis grinned. "We're full of bad ideas!"

"That's why we're worried."

"Come on, guys!" Po spoke for the first time since the conversation started. "We're kung fu warriors! How much trouble could we get into in one night?"

Tigress and Viper glanced at each other.

"Fine…" said Tigress. "But on one condition…"

"Go on."

"That we come with you to keep you guys out of trouble!"

"No way!" Mantis objected furiously. "This is no occasion for girls!"

"Mantis, it's a night out, not a bachelor party." Po scolded. "You can come if you want."

"I can't." said Viper. "I promised my father I'd be there tonight." She looked at the striped feline.

"Don't worry, I can handle them on my own." The expression on Tigress's face, plus the cracking of her knuckles, plus the low growl rumbling from her throat, made the four guys gulp simultaneously.

* * *

"Bye, guys! See you tomorrow!" the sun began to set as Viper departed.

The others waved goodbye to her before retreating inside the Jade Palace.

While Tigress went to get a bath, the four guys gathered in a small circle inside the hall of warriors.

"What's taking her so long?" Mantis groaned as he read from a scroll. "The sun's getting lower. Why don't we just go ahead without her?"

"Absolutely not!" Po scowled. "I promised Tigress we would wait for her. Besides, she'd hunt us down and tear us to shreds if we went without her."

Mantis gulped and went back to reading the scroll. Curious, Monkey looked over his friend's shoulder at the contents.

"Why are you reading about mah-jong?"

"There's a mah-jong tournament taking place in the village tonight." Said Mantis. "I figured we could take part."

"No way." Crane said.

"You never know, we might win!"

"And if we lost, we'd never be able to hide it from Shifu. And Tigress would never agree to lying to her master. Absolutely not."

"You're no fun!" Mantis moaned.

"It's okay, Mantis. There's other stuff we can do for fun." Po put a hand (or rather finger) on his friend's tiny shoulder to comfort him. "So, how does this night out thing work, anyway?"

"Basically, we find a tavern or someplace which serves lots of drink. Then we party until we either lose our limbs or the sun rises." Monkey explained. "That's all there is to it."

"And I'll make sure you guys don't do anything stupid." Tigress said sternly as she stepped into the hall and joined the small circle. "The last thing Po needs before an important ceremony is to get arrested."

"Have you ever been on a night out before, Tigress?" Po asked.

"Once." Tigress answered almost immediately. "While I was undercover spying on the dictator of the Hao Ming Province."

"Did you get drunk?" Po chuckled.

"I was on a mission, I didn't have the time to be drunk!" Tigress snapped. "I made sure not to touch any alcohol the entire time I was undercover!"

"Let me guess, you've never had a drop of alcohol before in your life." Monkey said.  
Tigress replied with a low growl that shut him up.

"Speaking of alcohol… look what I've got!"

Mantis pulled out a bottle of rice wine and a tray of cups (an impressive feat, considering his size).

"One drink, before we set out!"

Everyone but Crane and Tigress made noises of agreement, and waited as Mantis opened the bottle with his front legs and poured.

"Tigress, you'd better just take a sip, if you're never drunk before." Po whispered.

"I'll be fine." Tigress glared at him.

"Don't be embarrassed." Po grinned. "This is my first drink too."

In spite of herself, Tigress smiled back.

"Then you'd better just take a sip yourself."

"This is a good idea, Mantis." Monkey said as he and the others grabbed their cups. "In fact, I'd like to make a toast." He raised his cup. "To Po… congratulations on becoming _Master_ Po… and happy birthday!"

The five-some drained their cups (Po and Tigress sipped theirs)… and felt the impact of cheap rice wine assaulting their taste buds.

"Eugh that's sour!" Crane stuck his tongue out. "Po, I want to…"

"I…" Crane blinked as Mantis interrupted. "I'd like to say something."

Crane scowled and Po grinned as Mantis pulled out a crumpled sheet of paper.

"I wrote this a couple of hours ago." Mantis smoothed the paper and began to read.

"_Hey… how about that battle we had last week? I guess that's why we're called the Furious Five… You guys might not know this, but before the team formed, I considered myself to be a bit of a loner. I tended to think of myself… as a one man dance cart..._"

_One man dance cart?_

His friends blinked in confusion as Mantis continued his speech.

"_But when Monkey came to the JadePalace, I knew he was one of my own." _Monkey grinned._ "And my dance cart… it filled by one. So there was two of us in the dance cart, I was alone first in the cart and then Monkey joined later. And two months ago, when Po became the Dragon Warrior, I thought 'Hang on a mo… could it be?' and now I know for sure I just added one more guy to my dance cart…_"

_Hey, what about me?_ Crane thought in annoyance.

"_Three of us party animals running round the mountains in the Valley of Peace… searching for bar fights and rice wine. So tonight… I make a toast!_"

Mantis spat into his front leg and thrust it out to his friends, who recoiled.

"Mantis, what the heck are you doing?" Crane stared in disgust.

"A pact!" Saliva dripped from Mantis's foreleg. "Bound by spit!"

"Mantis, wipe that drool off your leg!" Monkey tossed the insect a handkerchief. "We may be guys, but we're not gonna shake hands with each other and get covered in spit!"

Tigress, the sole female of the group, glared at the primate.

"Me and my friends did it when we were kids." Mantis said.

"Well we're not kids! Wipe that stuff off!"

Mantis reluctantly wiped his foreleg clean.

"Anyhow…" Monkey raised his cup. "To a night… the five of us will never forget!"

There was a loud clink as the five friends tapped and drained their cups and the sun disappeared over the horizon.


	3. The Morning After

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover.**

* * *

When Mantis opened his eyes, he registered five things.

Daylight.

The sound of a door closing.

A pounding headache.

An empty bottle on its side.

Complete devastation.

The bug staggered to his four feet, wondering how a herd of elephants had found their way into his brain. He took a moment to glance around the Hall of Warriors, taking in the golden shield embedded in the pillar… the thousand scrolls strewn all over the room like toilet paper **(not an anachronism, I researched.)**… the training dummy painted over with what looked like makeup… Monkey snoring on the floor wearing the upper half of Flying Rhino's armour… the golden dragon which had once held the Dragon Scroll wearing Crane's hat… the bottles of rice wine strewn all over the place… the Sword of Heroes, with its three separate components strewn in different areas of the room… the charred remains of what looked like Monkey's bed smoking in the middle of the room… the ladies' robe dangling from the ceiling… Crane's legs sticking out from the cracked bathtub… Lady Wind Song's fan floating on a torn cushion in the moon pool…

Mantis suddenly realised that he needed breakfast.

Very slowly staggering his way through the mess, Mantis made his way out the Hall. He winced as the bright sunlight sent fresh waves of pain through his head upon contact with his eyes, and began hopping towards the student barracks, wondering if Po was already there with breakfast ready. He passed the remains of an enormous bonfire as he went, and avoided the puddle of sick as he entered the barracks.

Inside, bed sheets and clothes of all sizes littered the floor, and several of the paper walls had been ripped beyond repair. Mantis stepped inside the kitchen, passed the overturned table, and hopped onto the shelf on which sat a jar of Monkey's almond cookies. He opened the jar with difficulty, took out a cookie, and started munching.

As he chewed, Mantis heard a noise that sounded like a broken trumpet. He turned his head, looked at the elephant sitting next to him, then turned back to his eating.

_Huh, where did the elephant come from?_ Mantis thought. _I don't remember any…_

**_ELEPHANT?_**

Mantis dropped the jar, leapt from the shelf and pressed himself against the wall.

The elephant didn't move as the bug sprinted sideways out of the kitchen, slammed the door behind him, ran from the building, down the path, and back into the Hall of Warriors where he-

WHAM!

"YOW!"

Mantis rebounded off of Monkey's bare stomach and crashed into a pile of empty bottles.

"Gosh-darnit, Mantis!" Monkey extricated himself from the armour, rubbing his bruised gut and glaring at Mantis.

"Monkey, do not go into the kitchen!" Mantis yelled, emerging from the pile of bottles in a panic. "There is an _elephant_ in the kitchen!"

"Hey calm down, what are you talking about?" Monkey stood up.

"There's a baby elephant in the kitchen!" Mantis pointed in the direction of the barracks, hopping on the spot in terror.

"Wh-whassgoinon?" Murmured Crane from inside the bathtub, having been woken up by the commotion.

"THERE'S A PACHYDERM IN THE KITCHEN!"

"Hold on, I'll check it out!" Monkey staggered towards the exit, followed closely by a trembling insect, while Crane slowly crawled out of the bathtub. He slipped and fell back inside with a dull thud.

"Crane, are you alright?" Monkey turned round before he opened the doors.

"No, I'm not. I'm in so much pain right now." Crane's voice echoed inside the tub.

"Oh, ok." Monkey and Mantis left the building.

The two warriors stepped into the barracks, and slowly approached the kitchen doors.

"Be careful!" Mantis stayed five meters back as Monkey opened the door and peeked inside. There was an ear-splitting trumpeting sound, and then Monkey whipped his head out and slammed the door shut.

"Holy crap!" Monkey stared at Mantis and inexplicably started laughing. "You weren't kidding, there really is an elephant in there!"

"How did it get in there?" Mantis whimpered. "It was _this_ close! It almost killed me!" He demonstrated with his front legs.

"Hey, settle down, it's just a baby." Monkey said. Suddenly a thought came to him, and a huge grin spread across his face. "Wait a second… you aren't scared of elephants, are you?"

"I had a bad experience as a kid, can you blame me?" In his terrified state, Mantis made no attempt at denial.

"What's all this about an elephant?" Crane's voice was heard as the bird approached the barracks. Mantis and Monkey glanced at him as he entered then turned back to the kitchen door.

They did a double-take.

Crane looked on in confusion as his friends stared at him with eyes as wide as dinner plates.

"What?"

"What the…" Monkey breathed.

"What are you two staring at?"

"O…M…G…" Mantis's jaw (no joke) dropped to the floor.

"If it's a tattoo, I can explain!"

"Crane…" Monkey paused. "What happened to your feathers?"

"_Huh_?"

Crane looked down. His chest was still covered in white and grey feathers.

"No, the other way."

Crane raised his wings and felt his head. His stomach lurched when he felt tender smooth skin in place of feathers. He grabbed a dented shiny wok and stared into it.

"Oh my _god_…"

Monkey and Mantis went into hysterics as Crane gaped at his reflection.

Crane's head and neck had been plucked clean of feathers, giving him the appearance of a vulture with an oversized beak and feathers.

"My cranial feathers… they're gone!" Crane struggled to breathe as his friends continued to roar with laughter.

When they eventually settled down, all three warriors looked at their trashed surroundings.

"What the heck happened to this place?" Mantis wondered.

"Aw man, Shifu is going to kill us when he finds out." Crane moaned. He moaned again when he caught another glimpse of his reflection in the wok he was still holding.

"Not if we hurry." Monkey said. "Mantis, go get Po and Tigress and we'll get this place cleaned up before we go to the festival."

Mantis quickly left the barracks as Monkey and Crane began picking up the clothes and bed sheets.

"What happened to my head?" Crane moaned as they worked. "I look like an elongated turkey!"

"Hey, settle down." Crane's moaning was increasing the pounding pain already present in Monkey's head.

"How did I lose my feathers, I don't even remember how it happened!"

"Crane, calm down!"

"How am I supposed to calm down, look around you! Oh god, Shifu and Viper are coming back here after the festival, we are so screwed!"

"Shut up and work." Monkey said.

At that moment, Mantis re-entered.

"Hey guys, I can't find Po and Tigress anywhere."

"Did you check all the buildings?"

"Yeah, I checked all the rooms except ours. And you should see the Training Hall! The jade tortoise is gone, there's this huge hole in the floor next to the pull-up bars, and I think someone tried to use the field of fiery death to roast marshmallows **(this is an anachronism)**…"

"Never mind, they've probably gone down to the village for breakfast." Said Monkey. "Let's keep cleaning-"

"_Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah__!_"

Monkey, Crane and Mantis froze.

"What the heck is that?" Crane asked.

"_Waaaaah!_"

They heard it again, and turned their heads to the student's rooms.

They tracked the source of the sound to Crane's room. They opened the door, and stared in astonishment at the wailing object in the middle of the mat.

"Whose baby is that?" Monkey asked.

Lying in a cabbage crate was a baby mountain cat cub bawling his eyes out.

"Are you sure you looked everywhere?" Crane looked at Mantis.

"Yes, I checked every building in the palace. There's no-one else here!" Mantis noticed that the infant was wearing a pair of tiny green pants. "Hey Crane, check the pants for a name tag!"

Crane cautiously approached the cabbage crate and reached inside for the child.

"Hey, hey… don't cry…" Crane said in what he sincerely hoped was a soothing voice. "It's okay, little guy…"

When the child caught side of Crane's bald head, he stopped laughing and started giggling like crazy. Crane scowled, but then realised that there was something very familiar in the baby's eyes…

"Guys, there's no name tag." He said after a quick search.

"Alright, we've got bigger things to worry about." Monkey rubbed the fur between his ears. "We're gonna need help if we're going to get this place cleaned before tonight. We'll go down to the village and find Po and Tigress, and we'll deal with the baby later."

Crane stared at Monkey like he had gone crazy.

"Monkey… we're not going to leave a baby in here, there's a freaking _elephant_ in the kitchen!"

"He's not our baby!"

"I gotta side with Crane on this one." Mantis said before Monkey could protest further.

"Alright fine, we'll take him with us. Now let's go! And Crane, go get your hat!"

They quickly found a long cloth to tie around Crane's chest and place the child in, and once Crane had retrieved his hat, they made their way down the enormous stairs to the village below.

"Why can't we remember anything from last night?" Mantis asked as they went.

"Obviously because we had a pretty awesome time." Monkey replied.

They encountered a palace servant halfway down the stairs.

"Oh, how cute!" The pig said upon noticing the infant. "What's his name?"

The guys stared at each other in silence. Then Crane spoke up.

"Ping."

"Taiwan."

Crane and Monkey stared at Mantis as they passed the servant and continued their descent.

"_Taiwan_?" Monkey asked incredulously.

"What? I always wanted a kid named Taiwan!"


	4. Psycho Juice

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover.**

* * *

"Tigress _left_?" Monkey asked.

"Yes." Said Ms Yun. "Like I said, she came down early this morning with a rather nasty hangover. She said that she woke up in the Training Hall and didn't remember how she got there. Apparently the headache was so bad she came straight down here to get some medicine from the healer. I know because she asked me for directions. The headache was so painful she couldn't remember herself, the poor girl. Then she left to go to the Moon Festival and asked me to let you know where she had gone."

"And you didn't see Po?"

"I'm sorry, but I haven't seen him since yesterday."

"Oh. Thanks for telling us this." Crane said.

"Your welcome, Master Vulture. Now if you don't mind, I'll be on my way."

Ms Yun got up and walked away before Crane could even _try_ to correct her. The guys were sat around a circular table outside the first restaurant they had come across. The baby, Taiwan as Mantis had decided to name him, was sitting on Monkey's lap, innocently nibbling on the primate's long tail.

"This isn't good." Crane sighed. "If Po's missing, then Shifu's going to lose it bad."

"Crane, we're going to find him." Monkey said and pushed a cup of peach juice towards the bird. "Have a drink and stop worrying."

Crane responded by vomiting beneath the table.

"Okay, scratch the drink." Crane heaved as Monkey pulled out a sheet of paper. "Let's write down anything that we do remember. Po was with us at… 10pm… or…"

"8pm." Mantis said. "He was with us as the Li Da Tavern, remember?"

"Yes, he definitely was." Crane confirmed. Monkey wrote it down.

"And we came back to the palace at 3am, didn't we?" Monkey said.

"Yeah, we did." His friends agreed.

"I don't remember if Po was with us, though." Mantis said.

"Me neither." Crane added.

"And we all woke up this morning at 6pm." Monkey wrote it down. "Right, then that gives us a 10 hour window where we could have lost him." Monkey counted with his fingers. "Do either of you remember anything else?"

"Nothing." Mantis clutched his head and groaned.

"Me either." Said Crane, and heaved again.

"Same here. Darn, I've never been this hung-over before!"

As he rubbed his poor head, Mantis suddenly felt something tickling the back of his neck. He reached behind him, and pulled out a tiny black feather.

"Oh my god! That's mine!" Crane gaped. He snatched the feather from Mantis's front legs. "What else have you got on you?"

"Wait, that's it!" Monkey exclaimed. "Check your pockets!"

Mantis, not wearing any pants, checked his body while Monkey and Crane searched themselves thoroughly, pulling out an array of small objects and placing them on the little table.

On the table was a small pile of coins, bottle tops, a tiny medicine bottle, and a mass of plucked grey feathers.

Monkey picked up the medicine bottle and examined the label.

"We got this bottle from Hong, the healer."

"The healer Tigress went to visit." Said Mantis.

"Hang on a sec, we were at the healer's last night?" Crane's eyes widened.

"Oh gosh, did we have accident?" Mantis clapped his forelegs over his mouth.

"What the hell is going on?" Crane groaned.

"Hey guys, calm down!" Monkey examined the bottle and quickly memorised the address. "Honestly, this is a good thing; we've got a lead now. Let's go."

They were rising from their seats when Crane looked up. He stared in amazement at what he saw.

"Hey guys…" He gestured with his wing. "Check it out."

They all looked up… and saw the enormous green circular object embedded in the roof of the building opposite them, surrounded by puzzled villagers trying to extricate it from the hole it had created.

"Is that the jade tortoise from the Training Hall?" Mantis asked.

"What the _heck_…" Monkey stepped up to the goat standing next to him, staring at the scene.

"What happened here?"

"Some idiot tossed this thing from the top of the mountain." The goat answered.

"No kidding." Monkey went back to his friends.

"Did _we_ do that?" Mantis asked as they made their way down the street.

"How the heck did we manage that?" Crane breathed.

* * *

"Holy crap."

The street they had stepped into looked like a bomb hit it. Litter and debris filled the streets, and people were hunched over as they tried to mop up the damage.

"Did bandits do this?" Mantis asked as they walked down the street.

"Don't remember." Crane said.

"Hey you!"

The guys turned to see a pig with a black eye glaring furiously at them.

"What are you three doing back here? Haven't you caused enough trouble?"

"Hey, settle down!" Monkey started to say, but then realised that a furious crowd was gathering around them. It was to his great relief that he spotted the healer's office right in front of them.

"Come on, in here!" He ushered them inside, trying to ignore the profanities the crowd was throwing at them.

* * *

"You came in here with a concussion at around 12pm." Said the Hong, the healer, as he examined the rabbit child's sprained foot. "Monkey, I mean. Nothing too serious, I only kept you for about half an hour before you left without permission. Of course, none of you could articulate how it happened, but I knew anyway."

"Who was with me when I was brought in?" Monkey asked.

"Your two friends there, definitely no baby... and a panda and a tiger." The goose answered.

"Po and Tigress!" Mantis exclaimed.

"So Po was with us at 12pm." Monkey wrote the information down on the paper.

"Do you know what happened to my feathers?" Crane asked.

"No. You had a full head of feathers when you came here." Hong excused the child as he said this.

"Why can't we remember anything?" Monkey asked.

"You were all heavily intoxicated when you came here. In fact, you where all whacked out of your minds. Even Master Tigress threw up on Crane's head while you were here. Caused quite a mess in my office."

"She WHAT?"

"But that wasn't what caused your memory loss." Hong went on. "You weren't just drunk, you were acting like you had gone criminally insane. Though I won't go into details, you were all showing symptoms of Dairyu Plant Poisoning."

"Dairyu Plant Poisoning?" Crane repeated, not understanding.

"Dairyu Plant Poisoning? Psycho Juice? Also known as the Poison of Temporary Madness?"

"So we were all poisoned, last night?" Monkey stared in shock. "Someone tried to kill us?"

"Unlikely. While Psycho Juice causes temporary insanity and memory loss, it has no fatal effects. But someone did slip you the poison. Don't worry, you will regain your memories in a few weeks. But in the meantime, expect some emotional overreactions over the slightest provocations."

"Another question." Monkey said. "What happened in the street outside?"

"Oh that." Hong frowned. "There was a riot last night."

"A riot?"

"Yes. The Anvil of Heaven had to be called in to deal with it."

"Holy…" Mantis breathed.

"What caused it?" Crane asked.

"You did."

There was a silence in the little office.

"_We_ did _that_?"

"Yes. I saw the whole thing. It was mostly your fault." He looked at Crane, whose eyes went wide. "Out of the five of you, you were the most affected by the poison. In fact, you were the craziest, wildest bird I had ever met."

"Wait a minute… you're talking about _Crane_?" Mantis gaped. He and Monkey pointed incredulously at the pragmatic pacifist between them.

"You picked a fight with the leader of this gang of bandits in the tavern across the street." Hong went on. "One thing led to another, and soon the entire street turned into one big fighting match. Here, look at this."

He led the three men (the baby was left on the bed) to the side room, where a bowl of water like the one Scorpion kept sat on a small table in the middle of the room. Hong touched the water with one feathered fingertip, murmured some words, and the water suddenly became cloudy.

"This is a portion of my memory of the incident. Hopefully this will help you in your search for your friend."

The fog within the bowl cleared, and suddenly they were seeing a scene of complete chaos. In the bowl, the street was in flames, and an enormous crowd of screaming rioters were facing off with three-dozen members of the Anvil of Heaven. Suddenly a familiar figure burst from the crowd holding a flaming powder keg in his talons, looking wild with his hat askew and a look of complete psychosis on his face.

"SCREW THE ARMY!" The Crane in the bowl screamed and flung the keg as far as he could. It exploded just above the soldiers' heads.

"COME OOOOOOOOOOOOON!" The bird bellowed.

The present-day Crane cringed.

Four other figures moved to the front of the crowd, screaming at the tops of their voices. Po and Tigress were flapping their arms and shouting profanities at the approaching army, and Mantis could be seen dancing on top of Monkey's head screaming bloody murder, waving a flaming chopstick above his head like a mace.

"_ROOOOOAAAAAGGGGHHH!_" The insect's primal scream could clearly be heard over the roar of the crowd.

An intoxicated Tigress climbed on top of Po's shoulders, a full bottle of rice wine in hand.

"TAKE THIS, YOU INCOMPETENT HORN HEADS!"

She threw the bottle at the soldiers, which smashed on the nose of the leader, drenching him in alcohol. She let out a real roar of feral madness, while Po cheered her on from beneath her legs, mouth and eyes opened wide and his tongue hanging out.

The image faded and became clear water again, and Hong turned to the stunned and mortified men still staring at the bowl.

"That's it." He said. "Soon after that little scene, one of the soldiers threw a mace which struck Monkey on the head, causing the concussion. Once I recognised the symptoms of the poison, I hid you all in here and treated Monkey. Unfortunately, I did not possess the antidote to the poison."

There was a silence for a long time before the men replied.

"Could you please not tell Master Shifu about this?" Monkey asked in a tiny voice.  
"Don't worry, my lips are sealed." Hong chuckled. "Just take comfort in the knowledge that those affected by Psycho Juice have no responsibility for their actions."

"Right… did we say anything during our stay here? Anything that may hint as to anything else we did?" Crane asked.

"Actually, there was one thing…" Hong paused. "You were all talking about an upcoming wedding, saying how crazy and awesome it was going to be."

"A wedding?" Monkey blinked.

"Yes. You said it would take place in Mantis's hometown. Maybe someone there could tell you where the Dragon Warrior is."


	5. The Lucky Bug

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover.**

* * *

"I don't know if I can do this." Mantis mumbled as they approached the gates to his hometown.

He had good reason to be reluctant. Last time he had been here, he had broken up with ex-fiance Hao Ming yet again, let down Po more times than he could count, and revealed to the entire village that he had lied about being the Dragon Warrior.

"Come on, man up, Mantis! Think of Po." Crane said, as he carefully adjusted the sling carrying the child who was currently sleeping.

"Alright, fine…"

Mantis gulped as they entered the village. He held some small comfort that Hao had moved away a few months after being dumped in order to find someone better (more specifically someone with a high status and a lot of cash), so he wouldn't have to deal with her again.

The village was still the same as when he left it, and fortunately, no-one noticed him and started yelling at him for being a liar and a fraud. Also, it didn't look like a riot had occurred here recently.

Suddenly…

"Hey, you three!"

The men stopped dead, and slowly turned to the two pigs approaching them. Mantis recognised one of them as the Mayor of the town. He gulped again, and his heart started racing.

"It's good to see you three back again." The Mayor smiled. Mantis breathed, intensely relieved that the Mayor seemed to hold no grudge over the deception. "She will be so pleased to see you! Where are your other friends? The panda and the tiger?"

"Who's _she_?" Crane asked.

"Ha ha, good joke!" The Mayor chuckled. "She'll probably laugh at that."

"Po and Tigress couldn't come." Monkey said. "What brings you here?"

"Oh yes, I almost forgot! You three left this here last night when you returned to you own village."

They noticed that the second pig was pushing a small noodle cart in front of him. A terribly, terribly, TERRIBLY familiar noodle cart…

"That's Mr Ping's!" Crane's eyes bulged out of their sockets.

"Oh god, we didn't steal that, did we?" Mantis couldn't believe it. Had they actually stolen from their friend's father? The thought was obscene.

"Calm down, we were probably looking after it and got sidetracked or something." Monkey stepped up to the Mayor.

"Thank you for looking after this. Isn't there a wedding coming up here?" He asked.

"You've forgotten already?" the Mayor was incredulous.

"I'm sorry, but we're having trouble remembering what happened here last night. You may remember that we were all pretty whacked out." Mantis spoke.

The Mayor looked at the three of them.

"You really can't remember anything?"

They shook their heads.

"Do _you_ remember what happened last night?" Mantis asked. "I mean do you remember _everything_ that happened."

"Of course I remember. But I still find it hard to believe that you would forget your own engagement." Said the Mayor.

Mantis blinked.

"What?"

"You got engaged to this rather pretty young praying mantis last night." The Mayor explained. "You proposed five minutes after meeting her."

"I _what_?"

"Her name was Anming, I think. You arranged for the wedding to commence in two weeks. You third one, I may add."

"I did _WHAT_?"

"My friend did a few paintings of that lovely moment. Want to see?"

The second pig pulled out several small paintings and handed them to the guys.

The Mantis in the paintings was grinning like a madman as he knelt in front of a female praying mantis in one painting, did a provocative pose in three others, and stood with his four friends in one line making funny faces at the artist.

"Whoa, you look seriously happy here." Monkey said as he gazed at the paintings.

"Oh no… no… no…" Mantis was breathing hard and fast and he stared at the paintings, which in his opinions, were absolutely terrifying.

"You know, if this were a face-pulling contest, Po and Tigress would draw." Crane pointed out. Indeed, the panda and tiger were pulling the exact same face while pressing their heads against each other.

Mantis was hyperventilating. This couldn't be happening! This couldn't be real!

"Hey, don't be upset." Monkey said. "She's really good looking, you should be proud of yourself!"

"This can't be happening!" Mantis looked about to faint.

Monkey noticed the state his friend was in.

"Don't freak out." He said quickly. "Remember what the healer said about overreacting. Remember, you aren't married yet! All we have to do is find this Anming and call off the engagement! Besides, she may know where Po is!" He turned back to the Mayor. "Look, a big mistake has been made here. We need to get this engagement called off immediately."

The Mayor's shoulders sank.

"Oh dear, that's such a shame. However, you can't just call the engagement off on your own. You will need the girl."

"Fine, easily done. Could you tell us where we can find this Anming?"

* * *

"This is so illegal." Crane muttered as they walked down the street, Monkey pulling the noodle cart in front of him.

"For crying out loud Crane," Monkey sighed as the noodle cart's wheel got stuck in a small pothole. "Can't you see the fun side in anything?"

"Hey, in case you hadn't noticed, our friend Po is missing a day before his ceremony, the palace is a complete mess, we started a riot the night before, are in possession of a stolen noodle cart and what is almost certainly a missing child! What part of this is funny?"

"I think the riot part's pretty hilarious." Mantis chortled.

"Thank you, Mantis!" Monkey sighed in exasperation. "Crane, just stop whining for one freaking second! Hey, here we are."

The three men went up to Anming's house and knocked on the door. A few seconds passed, and then a bright green female praying mantis opened the door.

Mantis blinked. Anming was even prettier than Hao Ming, something he hadn't noticed in the paintings.

"Hey you guys! I was wondering when you were coming back." She beamed. Her voice was sweet and full of excitement, very unlike Hao's omnipresent seductive tone, as if she was trying to seduce every person she met. "I'm betting that you all had a pretty good party at the Jade Palace, though I'm sorry to say that I don't regret missing it!" She noticed the expressions on their faces. "What's with all the faces?"

Monkey stepped forward.

"Please don't be offended, but we're having a little trouble remembering everything that happened here. Do you think you could fill us in on some of the details?"

Much to their relief, Anming was not offended. She moved away from the door, allowing the four men (and baby) to come inside and sit together in the moderately sized living room.

"Oh, isn't he cute!" Anming tickled the baby's tummy before sitting down herself. "Her mom's really lucky!"

"You know who the mother is?" Crane asked.

"I didn't catch her name, but we came down together from the palace. She went off to get some baby food for the kid, and I came back here to recover from the hangover, which I had to say was one of my worst ever!"

"Do you remember our other two friends?" Monkey asked. "Po and Tigress?"

"Yeah, they were there when we got engaged!" Anming glanced happily at Mantis as she said this. Mantis went bright red.

"Do you know if Po was with us at the Jade Palace?" Monkey asked.

"I'm sorry, but no. I know you probably won't remember, but I stayed here to take care of the baby while you all went back to the palace to party, which was fine because I don't really like huge parties. When I brought him to the palace in the early morning, you guys were all passed out on the floor, and the palace was a _wreck_. I didn't see your other two friends, but the mother was sleeping in one of the student's rooms. We left the baby in the room and went down to the village like I said before."

"So you have no idea where Po is?" Monkey asked, dismayed.

"No, I'm sorry. Is he missing?"

"No, we just can't find him." Said Mantis.

Anming giggled.

"Is there anything else you can tell us about last night?" Monkey asked.

"Yes. When Mantis was proposing to me, he mentioned owning a boat."

"A _boat_?" Mantis blinked.  
"Yes. A pretty big one. Much bigger than the one my dad owned and passed down to me. And apparently, you returned to the Jade Palace in it. Before you went up those stairs, I mean."

"Hey, you said that you work in a boat." Mantis said. "Does that mean your dad was a merchant… or a fisherman…?"

"You know this, he was a pirate."

Mantis's heart skipped a beat.

"Of course, I never got into the pirate trade myself, being a woman and all, but I must say that I get by just as well fishing. But of course all that's in the past… now that I'm getting married to a kung fu master."

Mantis cringed.

"Do you have any idea where the noodle cart came from?" Crane asked, desperately hoping that they had simply borrowed the cart with Mr Ping's permission.

"You guys apparently got it from some goose named Mr Ping. You were all laughing like hell about how you nicked it from the restaurant while he was sleeping." Anming said.

"Oh…" Monkey, Crane and Mantis looked at each other, stricken.

"Hey, it's still early morning." Said Monkey after an awkward silence. "He probably hasn't realised it's missing yet."

Suddenly the door was sent flying off its hinges.

Anming cried out, and the guys leapt backwards into their chairs in fright as two rhino soldiers, obviously from the Anvil of Heaven stormed into the room and aimed their deadly sharp spears.

"Hands up!" They roared. The guys did as they were told. The baby started wailing in terror from the sudden loud appearance of the scary looking rhinos, and Anming quickly hopped over to soothe him.

Then a goose with a hat shaped like a noodle bowl stepped into the room, glowering at the three men.

"You boys have some _serious_ explaining to do!" Mr Ping said angrily.


	6. Payback

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover.**

* * *

In her old bedroom in Great Master Viper's house, Viper was struggling to contain her laughter as Tigress relayed her tale of waking up inside an utterly trashed Training Hall with the first and worst hangover in her life.

"So you don't remember anything at all?" Viper asked, her tail over her mouth as she tried to suppress her giggles. Imagine, Master Tigress of the Furious Five getting wasted!

"Not a darn thing." Tigress winced and pressed the icepack to her head.

"It's noon already." Said Viper. "Any idea why they aren't here yet? It only takes two hours to get here from the palace, you know."

"They're probably trying to clean up before leaving. When I woke up, the Training Hall was in such bad shape it would take days to clean."

At that moment, Zeng entered the room.

"Good day, masters." He bowed before approaching them. "A message from masters Crane, Monkey and Mantis."

Viper took the message and Zeng left the room.

"Maybe they're on their way." Tigress said as Viper opened the scroll.

"Why would they send a message when they would be here in just two hours?" Viper replied and began to read the message out loud. Fortunately, Master Shifu was down in the village, so they were in no danger of being overheard.

_Dear Viper and Tigress. _

_We're still feeling really sick from last night, so we're going to stay one more night until we feel better. We promise we will head straight to the village first thing tomorrow in time for the festival._

_See you tomorrow!_

_Crane, Monkey and Mantis._

_P.S. Please remember to not tell Shifu about this._

Viper put the scroll down and glanced at Tigress.

"I've got a really bad feeling about this…" The feline's eyes narrowed.

"Me too. Something's going on back there." Viper agreed. "Do you think we should head back and find out what's happening?"

"No. We have to keep their night out a secret from Shifu. If we head before a day before the ceremony, he's bound to get suspicious."  
Viper sighed. Tigress was right.

She hid the scroll beneath the covers of her old bed to make sure Shifu wouldn't come across it, and silently hoped that the four guys would make it back before Shifu got suspicious.

* * *

"Just keep quiet and let me do all the talking." Monkey muttered.

After their sudden arrest in Anming's house, the guys had been dragged back to the Valley Village in cuffs and were now sitting on a low bench in Mr Ping's kitchen. The goose himself was pacing in front of them, wielding his 'A' ladle like a mace and looking absolutely furious, while the baby sat in a nearby radish basket, nibbling on his tail.

After a few minutes of silent pacing, Mr Ping began to speak. His voice was low, slow, and full to the brim with a rage very like that of Tai Lung's.

"You three waltzed in here while I was sleeping…. absolutely _wasted_… stole my noodle cart right from my restaurant… and used it as a barfing bag!" Mr Ping stopped pacing and glared at the three of them. "Do you three have _any_ idea what this could do to my reputation?"

"How do you know it was us?" Monkey asked. "You just said that you were asleep when your noodle cart was stolen. You couldn't possibly have seen us."

Because of _this_!" Mr Ping pulled out a sheet of paper and peered at the scrawled, sloppy writing on it.

"_W.O.U. one noodle cart. Sorry, we couldn't find the noodle bowls, but here's five yuan. Mantis."_ Mr Ping tossed several coins in their faces. "Well, what do you three have to say for yourselves?"

"We are so sorry we stole your noodle cart." Crane said. "We have no idea what came over us!"

"I have a very good idea of what came over you." Mr Ping snapped. "Ten pints of rice wine and overall stupidity!"

"Look, we really are sorry." Said Monkey. "But we're having trouble remembering what happened. Anming said that we had a boat. We didn't steal that too, did we?"

"No. According to the authorities, that boat was acquired legally. It's tied up in the canal near the bridge main."

"Could we go there and check it out? We need to look for any clues as to what else we did last night." Monkey didn't think it would be a good idea to mention Po's disappearance to his father.

"Not until you three pay for what you did to my noodle cart!" Mr Ping exploded.

"Is there any way we can make it up to you?" Crane asked. "Anything that doesn't involve going to jail?"

The trio looked at each other as he said this, knowing deep down that all three of them deserved punishment for the theft. Even if they had been at the time… in Mr Ping's words… absolutely wasted… that was no excuse for what they had done.

Mr Ping glared daggers at them, but then his expression relaxed… very slightly.

"Well, since you are Po's best friends, and he wouldn't want you to miss his ceremony, I won't press charges against you. But you still need to be punished!"

"What do you have in mind?" Mantis asked.

Then they saw the evil grin on the goose's face.

* * *

Two minutes later, the three guys found themselves standing in the restaurant, in front of what was unmistakably a children's birthday party.

"Goodday, kids!" Mr Ping said cheerfully, dancing in front of the guys in his Mr Clown persona. "Get ready for the greatest show of the year!"

The children cheered as the guys waited apprehensively for whatever the goose had in mind.

Mr Clown rushed into the kitchen, and emerged carrying a tray of three bowls of noodle soup.

"He isn't going to poison us, is he?" an alarmed Mantis whispered to his friends.

"Not in front of a group of kids!" Crane replied, but felt a twinge of doubt as Mr Clown placed the tray on the table in front of the guys, and placed one bowl in front of each of them.

"Very recently, I have decided to experiment with a new range of spicy dishes!" Mr Clown explained to the children. "In each of these bowls, I have added a different kind of spice! Very, _very_, _VERY_ hot spices!" The guys' eyes went as wide as the noodle bowls in front of them. "These three boys will be the very first to try them!"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaay!" The children cheered.

"Oh no." The guys went pale as Mr Clown stepped up to Crane and pushed the first bowl closer to him.

**(From this point on, this scenario will have quite a few anachronisms, just to warn you.)**

"This bowl holds essence of the Infinity Chilli Pepper." Mr Clown explained. "With a Scoville rating of 1,000,000. Crane, would you like to have a taste?" He handed Crane a small spoon.

Crane gulped as he stared at the dish in front of him.

_Remember Po_, Crane thought as he dipped the spoon into the soup, _remember __Po_.

He lifted the filled spoon to his beak.

Monkey and Mantis watched in absolute terror as he swallowed the soup.

A few seconds passed.

Then Crane felt the fire slowly spreading across his tongue.

He started gasping, and desperately tried to fan the flames with his wings, his beak wide open, his tongue dangling from the side.

The children burst out laughing at his reaction as Crane started dancing on the spot, hopping from one foot to another.

"Wawa!" He gasped. "Wawa! Wawa! Wawa!"  
"Ah, ah, ah!" Mr Clown waved a finger. "Not until your friends have had their dishes."

Monkey fought the urge to scream and run as Mr Clown approached him next.

"This next dish has the Naga Viper Pepper." Mr Clown said as Crane continued to gasp in pain. "With a Scoville rating of 1,300,000. Monkey, would you care to have a sip?"

Monkey very reluctantly reached for the spoon.

The children watched eagerly as he dipped the spoon in the dreaded soup and took a slow sip.

At first, Monkey didn't feel the heat… but then he DID feel it, and then the children were screaming with laughter as he started screaming in a ridiculously high pitched voice and frantically wiping his tongue on the table cloth, which of course had no effect. Sweat poured from his face and tears streamed from his bulging eyes.

Mr Clown waited a couple of minutes before stepping up to Mantis, who whimpered as he approached.

"This last but certainly not least bowl has essence of the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion Pepper. With a Scoville rating of 2,000,000." Mr Clown explained. The children 'ooooed'. "Mantis, you know what to do."

"Mimblewimble." Mantis whimpered as he picked up the spoon.

The children watched as he filled his spoon and very slowly raised it to his mouth. He hesitated before swallowing the soup.

For a moment, nothing happened.

Then Mantis froze, his eyes bulging from their sockets.

Then the children gasped as his face began to change colour. In seconds, his head had changed from dark green to bright red. His eyes became bloodshot. A high pitched whistle emanated from between his teeth. Some of the younger children could have sworn they saw steam pouring from his ear holes.

Then Mantis let out a primal scream and leapt off the table and sprinted for the water jug on the kitchen bench.

"No, no!" Monkey gasped as he copied Crane's attempts to fan his burning mouth. "Wawa makes id so worse, Mannis, no!"

Too late. Mantis had grabbed the jug and drained the entire contents.

"Yes, you're right, it does." Mantis said normally. Then he screamed and sprinted from the restaurant. "_I feel like I just ate the __SUN__!_"

* * *

After Mr Ping relented and gave the three guys some milk, they retrieved the baby Taiwan and made their way down the street towards the canal.

"We can't complain." Monkey kept saying. "We stole his noodle cart, and we got punished. We can't complain."

"Come on," Mantis said. "Let's find that boat and get some clues. Po may be in real trouble."

Suddenly, a crocodile jumped in out of nowhere and stopped the three in their tracks.

"Fung!" Crane gasped. "What do you want?"

"Give us the baby!" Fung snapped. "Or we're going to do this the hard way!"

Before they knew it, they were surrounded by croc bandits.

"Why do you want this baby?" Crane folded his wings protectively over the infant he was carrying.

"Yeah, and what make you think we're going to give it to you?" Monkey asked angrily.

"GET THEM!" Fung yelled.

Any other time, the three could have taken the bandits on with little effort. But today, they were hung over, they were tired, and they were still reeling from their ordeal with the peppers. In seconds the three were lying on the ground, and the bandits with running off with the wailing infant.

"Hey!" Monkey yelled. He was the first to get to his feet and chase after them.

He barely got five feet before the arrow entered his arm.

"AAAH!" Monkey yelled in pain and fell back to the ground.

"MONKEY!" Crane and Mantis screamed and ran over to their friend.

"AAAAHHH! HE SHOT ME!" Monkey pressed himself against the wall, clutching his wounded arm.  
"**WHAT THE HECK IS GOING OOOOON!**" Crane screamed to the high heavens as Mantis whipped off the bird's hat and began fanning the wounded Monkey.

"I DON'T KNOOOW!" Monkey screamed. Civilians began to gather around the wailing trio.

"WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?"

"IT'S THE PSYCHO JUICE! WE'RE OVERREACTING!"

"OH, RIGHT!"

"CRANE, TAKE A LOOK! IS IT BAD?"

"NO, I DON'T WANNA LOOK!"

"LOOK, YOU STUPID BIRD BRAIN!"

"I DON'T WANNA!"

"DO IT!"

"NO!"

"LOOK AT THE WOUND RIGHT NOW OR I'LL PULL OUT THE REST OF YOUR FEATHERS!"

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I'LL LOOK!"

Crane leaned in to take a closer look.

"_WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH_!" Crane leapt away. He folded his wings and began speed-walking down the street.

"GET YOUR FEATHERY BUTT BACK HERE!" Monkey yelled.

"YOU GOT SHOT!"

"I KNOW!"


	7. The Passenger

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover.**

* * *

Luckily for Monkey, it was only a flesh wound.

He massaged his bandaged wound as they walked out of the healer's office and rushed out of the destroyed street before anyone could spot them and start shouting profanities.

"I can't believe we lost Taiwan!" Mantis moaned. "What kind of warriors are we if we can't even protect a child?"

"Don't worry, we'll find him." Said Monkey as they made their way through the village. "Come on, we've got to find that-"

"CRANE! MONKEY!"

The trio whirled around and saw a female mountain rushing towards them. Crane's eyes widened.

"Mei Ling?"

His old friend from the kung fu academy ran over to them, her face lined with worry. Crane couldn't believe it. He hadn't seen Mei Ling in at least ten years.

"I heard what happened! Is Monkey okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, it's just a flesh wound." Said Crane, still astonished from her unexpected appearance.

"Oh thank god." Mei Ling breathed a sigh of relief. "When I heard from Ms Yun what had happened to you guys, I feared the worst!"

_Oh yes_, Crane thought. Ms Yun had wrapped her scarf around Monkey's to stop the bleeding before the trio had rushed back to the healer.

"What are you doing here?" Mantis asked.

"Don't you remember? I came to the Jade Palace for a visit and found you and the others partying your butts off. Where's Kuo?"

"Who?"

"My son. I left him in your room this morning while I left to get some baby food for him. I put him in a vegetable basket because I couldn't find a crib. When I came back, you guys were gone!"

"Oh." The trio looked at each other guiltily. For some reason, Mantis was scowling.

"What is it?"

"Mei Ling, I'm so sorry." Crane closed his eyes. "But the bandits took him."

Mei Ling stopped breathing.

"What?" She gasped.

"Fung and his boys ambushed us and took the kid! We tried to pursue them, but Monkey got shot!"

"Oh no! No!" Mei Ling dug her claws into her scalp, her white fangs clenched in anguish.

"Don't worry." Crane put a wing on her shoulder. "Fung and the others may be bandits, but they're also dimwits. Your son will be fine as long as we find him quickly." Mei Ling looked at him, unreassured. "Do you have any idea why they would take your son?"

"No, I don't. Where's your other friends? Po and Tigress?"

"That's why we're trying to find the boat we bought." Mantis said. "We can't find Po anywhere. We're hoping to find some clues as to where he may be. Hey, we may find out where the bandits are as well!"

"Right then!" Mei Ling's eyes narrowed. "You guys go to the boat and look for clues, and I'll ask around about Po and those bandits. Go!" Before anyone could say anything, Mei Ling ran off and disappeared down the street.

"So that's Mei Ling." Monkey said. "Wish I could remember our first meeting."

"Yeah." Crane agreed. "I'm still trying to figure out how we all got poisoned with Psycho Juice!"

"Did you hear that?" Mantis pouted. "She called him _Kuo_!"

"I thought he looked like a Taiwan too, buddy." Crane replied.

"Come on, let's find that boat!" Monkey said. "There's no time to waste."

* * *

"Whoa." Mantis stared at the luxurious boat floating in the canal. "How the heck did we manage to get a hold of this?"

"Looks like something a lord would own." Said Crane. "Do you think we borrowed it, or something?"

"I doubt it. The boat master said we had hired it for the weekend." Mantis said.

"Never mind that!" Monkey snapped. "Start searching!"

And so they climbed onto the boat and quickly began searching the deck.

Ten minutes later, they gathered in the middle with everything they had found.

"I've got a yellow coat and blue pants." Monkey held up the pieces of clothing. "They look pretty expensive."

"Are they Po's?" Crane asked.

"No, they're child's size. What have you got?"

"All I found was a baby's bottle." Said Crane, holding up said bottle. "It must be Kuo's."

"And I've just got this little bag." Mantis held up a small tie-up bag.

"What's in there?" Crane asked. Then he noticed the foul stench, and his eyes narrowed in disgust as he came to a shocking realisation. "Ew, Mantis, that's a bag of baby poop!"

"_What_?"

Mantis flung the bag away… right into Crane's wings.

"EWWW!"

Crane tossed it into Monkey's chest.

"Ugh! Get it away!"

He tossed it back to Mantis, who yelped and tossed it back. Monkey fumbled with the bag and thrust into Crane's wings. He squawked and flung it back to Mantis. Mantis retched and flung it at Monkey again.

On the banks of the canal, passers by stopped and stared at the commotion on the large boat. It was a very unique sight, three warriors on the large boat tossing the little bag to each other like a hot potato, squealing like little kids.

"Ugh!"

"Wah!"

"Get it off!"

"Yuck!"

"Stop throwing it!"

"_Gaaah_, I think it's leaking!"

If Shifu had been there, he would most likely have died of embarrassment.

After getting passed the disgusting object by Crane, Monkey tossed it to Mantis and turned away. Mantis immediately leapt forward and plonked the baby poop bag on his back. It stuck to him like a spitball.

"WAAAAHHH!"

Mantis and Crane burst out laughing as Monkey leaped three feet into the air and then danced and spun on the spot, desperately reaching behind him for the bag. He eventually got a hand around it, pulled it off, and tossed it into the river.

"What the _hell_, guys?" Monkey yelled as his friends slowly stopped their laughter. "We gotta pull ourselves together!"

_Thud._

The trio froze.

_Thud._

"What was that?" Mantis asked.

"It's coming from below." Crane said.

_Thud!_

Then all three of them realised.

"PO!"

They frantically scoured the boat, searching for a way below deck. The thuds became louder, and more frequent.

"PO, HANG ON! WE'RE COMING!"

"OH GOD, DID WE LOCK HIM DOWN THERE?"

They found the trapdoor beneath a pile of crates.

"PO, IT'S US!"

They flung open the trap door.

"PO!"

For a moment, all was quiet.

And then all hell broke loose.

"_KYAAAAAAAA!_"

The trio managed to catch a glimpse of a small figure leaping from the trapdoor before they found themselves in their second ambush in two hours.

A small yellowish creature latched itself to Monkey's shoulders and whacked him repeatedly and viciously around the head with a splintered bamboo staff as the primate spun around in bewilderment and pain.

Crane approached in an attempt to help, but then the figure, quick as lightning, leapt off of the dazed Monkey and jabbed the staff into the bird's stomach. Crane doubled over, then was brought to his knees as the figure struck him in the groin, before being floored by a swing to the head. The figure proceeded to spin around and floor Monkey in the same fashion.

Then the small yellow creature turned to Mantis, twirling the staff expertly.

"Stop! I'm with you, _I'm with you_!" Mantis backed away in terror.

"You wanna mess with me?" The creature yelled.

"No, I don't wanna mess with you!" Mantis screamed. His back hit the rail, preventing him from backing away any further. He whipped his head from side to side, searching for a weapon, _anything_ that could be used against this vicious little creature! "Please! We just want to find our buddy! We don't want any trouble! PLEASE!" His voice quickly increased in pitch as the creature got closer. "WE DON'T WANT TROUBLE! PLEASE!"

The creature struck Mantis between his four legs before sprinting off the boat and disappearing into the village.

It was a while before any of them could recover enough to speak.

"What the HELL was that?" Monkey gasped as he got up slightly and rested his back against the rail next to Mantis.

"What was that thing?" Crane yelled, still lying sprawled on the deck. "He was so _mean_!"

"It all happened so fast!" Monkey clutched his bruised and aching skull.

They breathed and ached in silence for a long time before anyone else spoke.

"Guys, there's something I need to tell you." Mantis said, massaging his privates. Monkey and Crane did turn to look at him, but waited for whatever he had to say. "Last night… while we were gathered in the Hall of Warriors…" He looked away. "I slipped something into the rice wine."

It took a while for them to register what he had said.

"What?" Monkey gasped.

"I'm sorry guys. I screwed up!" Mantis gritted his teeth.

Crane got up on one wing as it slowly dawned on him.

"You poisoned us?" Crane stared at the very guilty insect.

"I didn't mean to! I found it in a little cabinet in the storeroom and thought it was beetroot extract!"

"What made you think it was beetroot extract?" Crane snapped.

"It was the same colour! I didn't think anything of it!"

"Why did you decide to put beetroot extract in the rice wine?" Monkey yelled.

"It was cheap rice wine!" Mantis replied. "I heard a rumour that adding beetroot extract to cheap rice wine makes it taste better!"

"BUT IT WASN'T BEETROOT EXTRACT, MANTIS, IT WAS PSYCHO JUICE!" Crane roared, all pain forgotten as he straightened up in rage.

"You really think that I knew that, Crane?" Mantis groaned. "It was packed in along with all the other little bottles! I mean, what kind of idiot would get a bottle of poison mixed up with vanilla and jasmine?"

"ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?" Crane leapt to his feet.

"Crane, calm down!" Monkey yelled.

"YOU FREAKIN' CALM DOWN! HE POISONED US!" Crane shouted. "I LOST MY FEATHERS! I LET MY BEST FRIEND'S BABY SON GET KIDNAPPED!"

"Hey, it was all our faults!" Mantis spoke up.

"YOU ARE SUCH A _FRICKING_ MORON!"

Monkey got up and grabbed Crane's shoulders before the bird could get any more worked up.

"Watch your mouth!" Mantis snapped.

"SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!"

"Hey, hey! Settle down!" Monkey said. "Really, this is actually a good thing! At least we know that it was Mantis who slipped us the poison, not someone else for god knows what reason!"

"Yeah, Monkey!" Crane's voice dripped with sarcasm. "We're so much better off now! May I remind you that our friend Po is probably lying dead in a ditch somewhere with a croc bandit using his belly as a pin cushion!"

"That's very unlikely." Mantis piped up.

"It's true!"

"That's enough!" Monkey snapped. "We only have until tomorrow morning to find Po and get him to the festival! Let's go back to the Jade Palace, we might find some clues there."

Crane didn't look at Mantis as they got off the boat.

* * *

**An important message for all reviewers:**

**It is at this point that I would like you to try and guess where Po will turn up.  
**

**Happy guessing!  
**


	8. Elephant's Lullaby

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover.**

* * *

The trio had just made it to the top of the stairs when Mantis suddenly stopped walking.

"Hey, guys!" He whispered. "What about the elephant? What if he got out of the kitchen?"

The others stopped walking as well.

"Aw crap, I keep forgetting about that baby elephant!" Monkey groaned. "How the heck did he get in there?"

"I don't know… because I don't _remember_." Crane glared at Mantis as he said this.

"Well the healer did say that one of the side effects of Psycho Juice is memory loss." Mantis replied. Crane gave him a look.

"You know, I'm beginning to wonder whether Po really is the stupid one in the family."

"Guys, hush!" Monkey hissed as they quietly approached the path to the student barracks.

It wasn't that they were afraid of a little baby. It was that infant elephants were very strong, but were too young to know it. The trio knew they had to take care not to startle the baby.

Or at least that was their excuse.

They had just reached the path when they heard a small noise coming from the Hall of Warriors.

"Crap." Crane groaned. The elephant had escaped after all.

"Don't make any sudden moves." Monkey whispered as they stepped up to the entrance and carefully opened the doors a fraction.

"Is that music?" Crane frowned. Indeed, a pretty tune was emanating from the crack in the door.

They slipped through the crack and entered the hall, which was still a complete mess. There was a loud noise as the door shut behind them.

"Shhh!" Monkey glared at his friends as they crept further into the room. There was no sign of a baby elephant, but there was a large shape sitting in front of the moon pool.

An intruder.

The trio quickly rushed to the sides, hiding behind the large pillars. Monkey glanced at his friends, motioned them to move closer. Mantis moved first, zipping in between pillars.

He suddenly collided with another, smaller shape.

"AAAH!"

"AAAH!"

The insect and the figure jumped away from each other, startled.

"Who the heck are you?" Mantis exclaimed at the pretty, well dressed female pig in front of him.

"Bai Li?" Crane stared in astonishment from behind his pillar.

At that moment, the shape in front of the Moon Pool straightened up, revealing itself to be an elderly ram with huge muscles.

Monkey and Crane stepped out from behind their pillars as they stared at the visitor.

"Kwan the Unkillable?" Crane asked.

"Shhhhhh…" Kwan shushed the three men as Bai Li picked up the liuqin she had dropped upon being surprised by Mantis. "This is my favourite song."

Bai Li began playing the same tune the trio had heard before. Kwan slowly danced to the music, humming and approaching the trio as he did so.

"Hum with me…" He breathed as he danced in front of them.

Thinking of nothing else they could do, Crane, Mantis and Monkey slowly and hesitantly began humming along with the ram, wondering what the heck was going on as they did so. The Hall of Warriors echoed with the music and the humming, which blended seamlessly together to create a very lovely sound, until…

WHACK!

Mantis toppled from Monkey's shoulder as the primate was suddenly socked across the jaw by the retired wrestler. Monkey fell face first to the floor, out cold.

"Hey, what was that for?" Crane rushed to his friend as Mantis recovered from his fall.

"What Kwan would like to know is why you stole his nephew from his house last night." Bai Li said as she set down the instrument.

"Hey, are you talking about that baby elephant in the kitchen?" Mantis asked, looking up from the unconscious Monkey.

"Listen…" Crane stood up and looked Kwan in the eye. "Kwan, it's a great honour to meet you again, and we can't remember whether or not we really did steal your nephew and if we did we are really sorry and if you want to kill us then fine go right ahead because I don't even care anymore."

"Crane!" Mantis stared at his friend.

"What, it's true!"

"Why the heck would you want to steal my nephew?" Kwan asked.

"Listen, we do a lot of crazy stuff when we're drunk." Mantis said. "By the way, was Po with us at your house last night?"

"Yeah, the Dragon Warrior was there. So was this pretty tiger girl."

"That's Tigress." Crane said, before alarm bells suddenly started ringing in his head. "Wait a sec, what the heck did you just call Tigress?"

"Hey, I meant that as a compliment for a new acquaintance." Kwan replied. "Sorry if that didn't come out right. Now about my nephew…"

"Was Po involved in the theft?" Mantis asked. "Or did he leave the building early.

"Oh he was involved, all right." Kwan scowled. "In fact, he even left a note. That's how I tracked you boys down. You boys were lucky that I was sleeping at the time, 'cause if I had been awake… this wouldn't have gone down so smoothly."

The two warriors gulped.

"Look, Po's missing." Crane said. "Is there any way we can go to your house, and look around for any clues for where our friend is?"

"Sure, of course." Said Kwan, as he and Bai Li began to walk towards the exit. "How else am I going to get my nephew back?"

Crane and Mantis blinked.

"What?"

"Huh?"

"We're not putting that big boy in the palanquin." Bai Li said. "You brought him here, you bring him back."

Crane and Mantis gaped.

"But…"

"Don't me come back for him." Kwan said as he and his assistant disappeared out the door.

Crane and Mantis heard a groan behind them: Monkey was coming round.

"Hey, are you alright?" They rushed over to him.

"Whahitme?" Monkey asked as his friends helped him to his feet.

* * *

"This is so not fair!" Mantis groaned.

He, Crane and Monkey were gathered on a floor in front of the kitchen doors. In the middle of their little circle was a bowl of noodles. Crane was lacing the dish with cold medicine.

"Why can't you do it?" Mantis looked at Crane pleadingly.

"You were the one who put Psycho Juice in our drinks. This whole mess is your fault." Crane replied casually. "You're doing it and that's that."

"What about you, Monkey, you do it!"

"Monkey took a punch from Kwan the Unkillable! Come on, do this for Po!" Crane pushed the bowl over to Mantis. "Just put this bowl in the kitchen and get out of there."

Mantis gulped as he picked up the bowl.

"I don't think I can do this."

"You'll be okay."

"I hate you."

"I know."

Mantis slowly approached the kitchen, opened the door slightly, and slipped inside.

He peered around the corner of the nearest kitchen bench. The baby elephant was sucking on his trunk in the far corner of the room.

"_Heeeck_…" Mantis breathed as he carefully shut the door behind him.

"Just give him the bowl and get the heck out of there…" He whispered. He moved around the corner and stepped in front of the baby. He fought the urge to run as the baby turned to look at him.

"Hey, little guy." Mantis said nervously. "Look what I got for ya." He held out the bowl. "Here's some nice tasty noodles for ya… do you like noodles… I know my buddy Po does…"

He screamed as the baby stood up.

"WAH! _WAAAAAAAAAAAH!_"

He dropped the bowl and sprinted out the room. He slammed the door behind him and turned to his friends. He took a deep breath

"What do we do now?"

"We wait." Said Monkey.

* * *

**(Disclaimer II: I don't own the original version of the upcoming song.)**

Hours passed.

Day turned into night.

The trio sat in silence in the corridor outside the kitchen, listening to the munching sounds emanating from inside. Eventually, a bored Crane retrieved the liuqin from the Hall of Warriors and began to play.

"_What do babies dream of_

_when they take a little baby snooze?_

_Do they dream of eating dumplings_

_Or the dragon warrior in a cool dragon suit?_

_Well don't you worry your cutey hairy head_

_We're gonna get you back to Kwannie_

_And your cosy baby bed._

_Then we're gonna find our friend __Po__ Ping_

_And then we'll cause Mantis a lot of pain._

_Pooo, __Po__, Poey, Poey, Poey Po, __Po__…_

_But if he's been murdered by crazy croc bandits…"_

They heard a thud from the kitchen: the cold medicine had finally taken effect.

"_Well then we're hell outta luck._"

* * *

"By the way, we're all gonna die." Crane whispered as they carted the sleeping baby elephant through the street on a wheelbarrow and dragged him onto the boat.

They sailed through the canal in silence, with Monkey at the wheel and Crane reading the map to Kwan's house. The baby slept in his wheelbarrow right behind them.

Crane looked up from the map to see Mantis staring over the rail with an odd expression.

"Hey, are you alright?" he asked.

Mantis looked at his friend.

"I didn't mean for this to happen." he said. "I didn't mean to poison us. I just wanted Po's first night out to be one he'd never forget."

Crane decided not to point out the irony of the what the insect had just said.

"Mantis, don't worry." he said. "We're going to find him."

"You aren't mad at me anymore?"

"I am, a little. The only thing that's keeping me sated is the thought of what Tigress is going to do when she finds out you got her wasted."

Mantis's eyes widened.

"Crane, how far are we from Kwan's house?" Monkey asked. Crane turned his attention back to the map.

"Just two more miles. His house is right next to the river."

"Right." Monkey said.

The trio looked straight ahead at the watery path before them, none of them noticing the baby elephant stirring behind them.

"Just turn left here into the forest." Crane said when they reached a fork in the path. Monkey did as he was told. "We should be there in fifteen minutes, tops."

"Hey Crane, stop poking me." Mantis snapped.

"I'm not poking, you Mantis." Crane said, not looking at him.

"Monkey, stop it then!" Mantis winced as something jabbed his back again.

"I'm way over here!"

"Then who's poking me?"

Mantis turned his head.

He saw the baby elephant looking back at him.

He screamed at the top of his voice.

"_WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH_!"

The baby screamed back, startled by Mantis's cry, and reached out with his trunk for the closest thing within reach… Crane's tail feathers.

Crane hollered as half of his tail feathers were yanked from his rear.

"_YOOOOOAAARRRGGGHHH_!"

Crane leapt away from the elephant, slamming into Monkey. Monkey's arms grabbed at the boat's wheel as he fell to the side, and the boat swerved violently, nearly colliding with the river bank. Monkey yelled as he tried to get up, lost balance, and fell to the other side. The boat served again.

Mantis was screaming in terror, Crane was screaming in pain, and all the screaming was making the baby elephant panicky. He reduced the wheelbarrow to splinters as he extricated itself from it and began stampeding around the deck. There was a jolt as the boat ran aground.

"ABANDON SHIP!" Monkey screamed, and leapt from the boat into the river. Mantis grabbed Crane's leg as the bird jumped from the deck and flapped erratically towards the river bank and touched ground.

Monkey climbed onto dry land to find his two companions in hysterics.

"AAGH! IT PLUCKED ME! LOOK AT MY BUTT! IT'S _PINK_!" Crane was screaming. Mantis was screaming profanities as he kept pointing at the panicking baby that was currently trashing the boat.

"COOL IT, GUYS!" Monkey ran over to them.

"MONKEY, LOOK!" Crane spun around to show Monkey his half-naked rear. "LOOK WHAT IT DID!"

"OH MY GAWD!" Mantis screamed. "LOOK AT YOUR BUTT! IT'S BLEEDING!"

"WAAAAGH!"

"STOP SCREAMING!" Monkey yelled. "YOU'RE SCARING THE BABY!"

The three of them screamed and leapt back simultaneously as a baby elephant's foot smashed through the hull next to their heads.


	9. Ransom

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover.  
**

**Author's message to Reviewers:  
**

**Thank you for you reviews so far! I must admit that I didn't expect this much praise for my very first fanfiction, so I'm quite chuffed.  
**

**To all those reviewers hoping for a tipo scene, don't worry, there will definately be tipo, but I'm keeping it subtle.  
**

**To Gray wolf spirit- yes, Po will turn up at the Jade Palace (of course he will, since the missing people in the Hangover series have both turned up at the starting point, so no spoilers there.) Now try and guess whereabouts in the palace he'll be!  
**

**In the meantime, keep reviewing! Please!**

* * *

_Knock, knock_!

Bai Li answered the door. Monkey, Crane and Mantis stood in front of her, breathing in exhaustion with large twisted ropes and hooks dangling over their shoulders.

"You took your time." She said coldly.

"Look… we had to…" Monkey panted, leaning against the doorframe. "Drag the boat… the last couple… of miles…"

"Come on in." Said Bai Li. "We brought in someone who can fill you in on what happened here last night."

"What do… we do… with the baby…"

"Kwan said to leave him in the boat. He can take care of it once we've finished our little business."

The trio stepped into the house. Bai Li took a moment to stare at the baby elephant sitting amongst the devastation that was the boat's main deck before closing the door.

* * *

The trio entered the living room, where Kwan and Hong the Healer were sitting in front of a bowl of water.

"Hello again, boys." Hong greeted the three. "How's the arm, Monkey?"

"It's fine, thanks for asking."

"Sit down. I managed to retrieve the memories from this raven who saw the whole thing."

The trio sat down as Hong touched the water, which once again became cloudy.

"This is everything that happened last night." Said Hong.

The clouds in the water cleared.

In the bowl, five familiar figures staggered through the garden outside Kwan's house, struggling to support each other while at the same time letting out drunken giggles.

"That's us!" Crane exclaimed. "And Po and Tigress."

Mantis was singly wildly and out of tune on Monkey's shoulder, while the primate leant against Crane for support. In turn, Crane had wrapped one wing around Po's shoulders. The panda was whispering something in Tigress's ear, making her laugh like crazy.

The trio watched as their past selves, along with Po and Tigress, staggered over to the pond in the middle of the garden and gathered round it. Next to the pond was a pile of rocks, on which stood several of Kwan's wrestling trophies.

"Hey, whataryadoin?" Po asked as Monkey slowly climbed up on the pile of rocks next to the pond, a bottle of rice wine in hand.

"Hey, what am I doing?" Monkey asked.

Then they are started laughing like crazy as Monkey placed the bottle between his legs. A stream of liquid flowed from the bottle into the pond, and from this angle, it looked like he was relieving himself. Tigress collapsed to the ground in hysterics, and Po followed suit soon after, lying next to her and placing an arm beneath her head. Crane bent over the pond and turned his head, so that the stream of wine poured straight into his open mouth.

"Uh…" The present-day Monkey cringed when he saw the expression on Kwan's face. His eyes were wide, and his mouth was half open in disgust.

The primate was greatly relieved when the bowl clouded over again.

"This is what happened half an hour later." Said Hong.

The water cleared.

In the bowl, the group were leading the baby elephant down the path towards their boat, which was sitting in the river a few meters away. Po was giggling crazily as he baited the infant with a huge bowl of noodle soup, sitting on top of a small noodle cart.

"Hey, where the heck did you guys get the noodle cart?" Kwan asked.

"We stole it." Crane blushed. "From this old goose."

"_Awesome_." Kwan grinned.

Inside the bowl, a drunken Mantis lost his balance and fell from Monkey's shoulder, landing on the baby elephant's butt. It was at that precise moment that the baby let rip, and the insect's antennae could clearly be seen being blown by the foul wind. The drunken group laughed as Mantis suddenly looked very sick. Without missing a beat, he ran for the pond. To present-Mantis's horror, instead of puking in the pool, Mantis chose instead to stick his head into Kwan's biggest trophy, which was conveniently shaped like a cup. The sound of barfing was lost to the hysterical laughter of his friends.

Mantis gulped, unable to muster the courage to look at Kwan.

"Maybe… I should wait outside?" the insect asked timidly.

"I think that's a good idea." He heard Kwan say.

Mantis quickly got up and left the living room. No-one noticed him pick up a bucket of soapy water and a brush as he exited the house.

"No offence, Kwan, but who leaves their trophies out in the garden?" Monkey asked.

"One who knows that no-one's stupid enough to try and take them." Kwan replied.

"I have to say that I have never seen a more adorable little elephant before in my life." Said Crane as he watched the scene inside the bowl. "I know I'm a guy, but I can't help but say it."

At that moment, water-bowl-Crane lifted the bowl of noodles from the cart, out of the baby elephant's reach. The noodles must have cooled down significantly, for without hesitation, the bird pulled back the collar of Tigress's vest and poured the entire contents of the bowl down her back.

"WAAAH! Cold!" She yelled as Crane put the noodle bowl on top of his head like a second hat.

Then her shocked screams turned to shrieks of laughter as the baby proceeded to slide his trunk down her vest in pursuit of the noodles, his probing elongated nose tickling her as it grabbed a handful of noodles.

Kwan's jaw dropped.

The drunken guys collapsed in hysterics as the baby pulled the trunk out, stuffed the noodles into his mouth, then poked his trunk back down Tigress's vest in search of more. The feline was on her knees, her head tilted back screaming and making no attempt to resist as the trunk slid deeper down her vest, stroking her lower back. Po was still laughing crazily as he wrapped his arms around the baby's middle and attempted to drag him away from her, having as much luck as one would expect.

"Who _does_ crap like that?" Kwan stared at the furiously red Crane.

"One who is very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, _very_ whacked out of their mind." Crane replied.

The water clouded over and reverted back to ordinary, clear liquid.

"After that, you dragged the baby onto the boat and took off." Hong said.

"Once again, we are so… _sooooo_ sorry we stole your nephew." Monkey said.

"It's alright. Hong told me about the Psycho Juice." Kwan waved away the apology.

"Thanks for showing us this, by the way." Monkey replied. "Now, we really have to go. We have until tomorrow morning to find Po."

"Good luck on your search, and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you where he is."

* * *

Five minutes later, the trio were back on the wrecked boat, sailing through the river on their way back to the village.

"Alright," Monkey said after a while. "I think it's officially time that we tell Tigress and Viper."

"I've been saying that all day." Said Crane.

"Besides, they may know where Po is. Maybe he's already at the village."

"Hey, guys." Mantis piped up. "You may want to look at this."

The trio gazed ahead of them, and saw the large boat positioned horizontally across the river, blocking their path.

"What the hell's this?" Monkey muttered. "Crane, throw the anchor out before we crash into that thing!"

Crane did as he was told, and the boat stopped several meters from the boat in front of them. The trio saw that there were a dozen soldiers on the deck glaring at them.

"They're not from the Anvil of Heaven." Crane said.

At that moment, two figures emerged from beneath the deck and stood in front of the soldiers. They were both takin, one being full grown and the other a young child, possibly his son. Crane recognised the child with a jolt.

"That's the guy who attacked us on the boat! And who's the other guy…"

"Jong Sung Jai Kai Chow?" Monkey gaped.

"Yes, indeed!" The lord snapped. "You and I have some unfinished business, my friends!"

"What?" Mantis asked.

"Where's my coin?"

"Huh?"

"Don't play games with me! Where is my coin?"

"Hey, listen!" Crane snapped back. "We can't remember _anything_ from last night… so help us out a little here!"

"You guys and my papa joined forces in a mah-jong tournament last night!" Jong's son spoke up. "You won a kung fu artefact called the Coin of Jao Ling, and then took off with it!"

The trio groaned inwardly. Was there anything they _hadn't_ stolen?

"Look, we were wasted. Don't worry, we can get the coin back, it's no big deal!"

"If it was no big deal, then why… when I tracked you three down on your boat, _you_…" Jong's son pointed a tiny hoof at Monkey. "Start screaming like a little girl and stuff me below decks!"

Monkey blinked.

"That doesn't sound like me…"

"You said I looked adorable, and wanted to keep me as a teddy bear! You kept calling me Mr Nibbles!"

Monkey tried to ignore the stares from his comrades.

"Mr Nibbles?" He heard Mantis say.

"Zip it, bite-size!"

"Fortunately, my boy learned some self defence after his last kidnapping!" said Jong. "Now where is my coin?"

"Look, we don't want any trouble." Said Monkey. "We don't have the coin right now, but it'll probably be back at the palace. We can get it to you by tomorrow morning!"

"You'd better… if you ever want to see your panda friend again…"

"What did you say?" Monkey yelled.

"You've got Po?" Crane's eyes widened.

"Give us back our friend!" Mantis yelled. Monkey and Crane both had to grab the insect before he could leap off the boat.

"Hah, talk about quid pro quo…" Jong's son chortled.

"Look, give us back Po, and we'll get the coin to you, we swear!" Crane yelled.

"No, you give me the coin, and then I'll release the panda." Said Jong. "Let's go, men!"

Jong's boat then began to sail away down the river.

"Bring the coin to the Pool of Sacred Tears at dawn!" Jong shouted as the boat disappeared around the river bend. The trio stared after it from their own boat, speechless.

* * *

The trio searched the entire Jade Palace for three hours before they realised that the coin was not there. They gathered in the Training Hall Courtyard, at a loss for what to do next.

"Guys, I searched the bathhouse and student barracks." Crane said. "Nothing."

"I didn't find the coin in the Training Hall or Dragon Grotto." Mantis groaned.

"Guys, what are we going to do?" Monkey looked at his friends. "We are so screwed!"

"Guys! Guys!"

The trio turned to see Anming hopping frantically up to the, panic on her lovely face.

"Anming?" Mantis stared. "What are you doing here?"

"You have to come quickly!" Anming gasped. "Your friend Mei Ling is in trouble!"

"What?" Crane's eyes widened.

"Her son was kidnapped by these croc bandits, and she got captured trying to save him!"


	10. Darnit!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover.**

* * *

"Hey, Anming." Monkey spoke up as they sailed stealthily down the river on their boat. "Did you see a big coin called the Coin of Jao Ling last night? We really need to find it before tomorrow."

Anming paused to think as she stood on the rail next to the steering wheel.

"I do remember that baby Kuo was playing with this fancy looking coin while I was looking after him. He sucked on it for a while before stuffing it down his pants. It was far too big for him to swallow, so I didn't think anything of it."

"You mean that Kuo has the coin?" Crane stared.

"So that's why Fung and his gang kidnapped him." Monkey said. "They must have found out about the coin."

"Mei Ling discovered their location and tried to get her son back herself. She was outnumbered."

"How do you know this?" Mantis asked.

"I was wandering about in the forest, thinking about our engagement. I saw the whole thing."

Mantis once again went bright red.

"Keep quiet, everyone, we're almost there."

Everyone sealed their lips and gently ran the boat aground, taking care not to cause any noise.

"Anming, you stay on the boat." Mantis whispered.

"They're a hundred feet from our position, up north east." Anming answered back. "Be careful."

* * *

As the trio stealthily approached the croc bandits' camp, they could hear a pair of voices arguing.

"We've been at this all night! You do it!"

"No, you do it!"

"I'm the boss, and what I say goes!"

"But boss, this is so gross!"

"Look, if we wanna get that coin, Gary, someone is gonna hafta change this baby's diaper!"

"But why does it have to be me? Oh, and it's Gah-ri."

There was a crash as Fung shoved his subordinate.

"They're such idiots." Crane muttered and he and his friends slipped into the bushes.

"Mantis, take a look." Monkey said.

Mantis peeked through the bushes.

Several small tents surrounded a campfire in a large clearing in the middle of the bamboo forest. Snores could be heard coming from said tents. The only two bandits visible were Fung and Gah-ri. They were busy arguing over baby Kuo, who was sitting on a flat rock, giggling and sucking his thumb. Mei Ling was standing tied to a post a few meters from the camp, a gag over her mouth, her terrified eyes fixed on her son.

Mantis pulled his head back and told his friends what he had seen.

"Alright, here's the plan." Monkey said. "Mantis, you create a distraction south of the camp. Once they are far enough away from the camp, Crane, you free Mei Ling and I'll grab the baby. Then we all run back to the boat and get the heck out of here."

"No fighting?" Mantis asked.

"Not with a baby involved. It's too risky. Let's go."

* * *

_Tak!_

"What was that?" Fung asked, startled.

"Don't know. It came down south."

"Go check it out, Gary."

"It's Gah-"

Fung shoved him again. Gah-ri picked up his spear and headed down south to investigate the noise.

"Alright, baby." Fung turned back to little Kuo, who stared up at him innocently with wide eyes. "We're either gonna do this the easy way, or the hard way!"

The baby cooed. A foul stench emanated from his pants.

"Now you either give me that coin, or I'm gonna hafta take it from ya!"

Mei Ling let out a muffled snarl beneath her gag.

The baby stared up at the croc bandit in silence… and then screwed his eyes and stuck out his tiny tongue.

Fung felt the heat rise up in his face.

"Looks like we're gonna do this the hard-"

WHAM!

For an instant, Fung felt something slam into his face, and then he was flying across the clearing. As Monkey gently picked up baby Kuo (wrinkling his nose from the stench as he did so), Crane glided over to Mei Ling and cut her free with once slice of his wing.

The mountain cat ripped off her gag and grinned at her old friend.

"It's good to see you Crane! I thought for a minute there that…" She stopped talking when she caught sight of Crane's bare butt.

"Not… one… word." Crane said, and then he and Mei Ling rushed over to Monkey. The group was quickly joined by Mantis.

"Oh, Kuo!" Mei Ling grabbed her son from Monkey and hugged him close, too relieved to be repulsed by the stench of his soiled pants. "You had me so worried!"

"Come on, let's get outta here!" Mantis yelled.

The group took off into the forest.

"_Darnit_!" Fung got to his feet and flung his helmet down in anger. "Wake up guys, they're getting away!"

* * *

"We got them! Let's go!"

Anming grabbed the steering wheel as the group rushed onto the boat.

"Mei Ling!" Crane panted. "You have to change Kuo and get that coin!"

"What coin?"

"Kuo has this really valuable coin stuffed in his pants! You need to get it out quick!"

"Alright!" Mei Ling quickly took her son below deck.

Monkey and Crane pushed the boat back into the river as they heard angry voices coming closer and closer: the croc gang was up and after them.

"Anming, what are you doing?" Mantis asked in astonishment as the female praying mantis expertly swerved the boat round and sailed it down river.

"Don't worry, my father taught me to sail a boat!" Anming replied. She positioned herself on top of the wheel, leaning to the side so that the boat effortlessly swerved round the river bend. Mantis stared at her in surprise and… dare he say it… admiration.

Back on the river bank, Fung and his bandits shouted at them in fury. Fung could clearly be heard yelling "Darnitall!" And flinging his helmet once again.

"This route should take us straight to the Wu Dan Mountains!" Crane said.

A few minutes passed, and they sailed the boat in silence. Then Mei Ling emerged from below decks with her son in one hand and a large golden coin in the other.

"Here's your coin." Said Mei Ling. "Don't worry I gave it a very thorough clean."

Monkey took the coin gratefully.

"Thank you so much for saving my son."

"No, thank _you_." Crane said. "With this coin, we can finally get Po back!"

At Crane's words, a feeling of intense relief fell upon the trio. It was almost over. In a couple of hours, they were going to get Po back.

The sky was beginning to lighten as the boat ran aground on the bank of the forest just beneath the Wu Dan Mountains.

"You two wait here!" Monkey said as he, Mantis and Crane leapt off the boat and rushed in the direction of the mountain path.

* * *

The sun had risen into the sky by the time the trio reached the Pool of Sacred Tears. Jong and a dozen soldiers were already there, waiting for them.

"So you three made it." Said Jong. "Where's my coin?"

"We've got it right here!" Monkey held up the coin for the lord to see. Jong smiled, and raised his hand to receive it.

"Very good. Hand it over!"

"Hang on a second." Crane put a wing in front of Monkey and stepped forward. "Hi, it's good to meet you. And you son. Sorry about kidnapping him, by the way."

Jong's son scowled.

"But before we give you the coin, we would really… really _like_ to know where Po is, and that he's alright. Could you please tell us where he is before we give you the coin?"

"He's fine." Said Jong. "He's down the mountain with the rest of my men. Once I get my coin, I'll have my men bring him up here and you can have him back safe and sound. If I don't get my coin in the next ten seconds, I'll have my men kill him, and then I'll have them kill every last one of you."

There was no doubt that Jong meant every word of that last sentence.

"Here you go!" Monkey said quickly, and tossed the coin across the clearing. Jong caught the coin in one hand and examined it closely. The trio watched with bated breath. Then Jong grinned, satisfied. The coin was genuine.

"Bring him up!" Jong called. Two soldiers rushed past him and down the mountain path.

Monkey, Crane and Mantis simultaneously breathed a sigh of relief.

That was when a hundred imperial soldiers burst from behind the boulders surrounding the pool.

"Whoa, what the…" Mantis ducked beneath a tiny rock as Jong's eyes widened.

The trio, Jong and his soldiers shouted in alarm as they were surrounded in seconds.

"What the heck is going on?" Mantis and Jong yelled at the same time.

An elderly orange lizard stepped out from among the ring of soldiers.

"Master Chao?" The trio gasped.

The head of the Sacred Onyx Council eyed Jong coldly.

"Jong Sung Jai Kai Chow," the lizard said. "You are under arrest for the theft of the Blade of Bao Ding, the Dagger of Denwa, the Shank of Shantou, and the attempted theft of the Coin of Jao Ling."

As a furious Jong and his men were led away in cuffs, Chao approached the stunned trio.

"Master Chao, what's going on?" Monkey asked.

"We've been investigating Jong's activities for months." Chao explained. "My spies were following Jong and witnessed the exchange between himself and you three on the river. Once I learned that the Dragon Warrior had apparently been abducted by Jong, I had my men raid the estate."

"You were spying on us?" Monkey stared.

"For crying out loud, where's Po?" Mantis yelled.

"Haven't you figured it out yet?" Crane snapped, his eyes filled with fury and despair. "Jong never had Po! He lied so we would give him the coin!"

"I'm afraid he's right." Said Chao. "We raided the estate, but we found no sign of the panda anywhere. I'm very sorry."

"So you have no idea whatsoever as to where Po actually is?" Monkey nearly shouted.

"No, I'm afraid not. Now if you don't mind, I have prisoners to transport."

Chao walked off.

The trio stared at each other in dismay.

There was nothing else that could be done.

* * *

_Knock, knock!_

The door opened to reveal both Viper and Tigress. Both looked half-relieved and half-angry.

"Where have you three been?" Tigress snapped. "And whe…" Her eyes widened at the sight of them. "What the _heck_ happened to you guys?"

"Guys… we…" Monkey glanced at his friends, who stared at their feet in shame. "We screwed up."

"What are you talking about?" Viper asked.

"The party… the whole night… things just got out of control… and we…" Monkey closed his eyes. "We lost Po."

There was a long silence.

"_What_?" Viper and Tigress said at the same time.

"We lost Po."

"What are you talking about?" Tigress nearly shouted. "He's supposed to be at the festival in four hours for the ceremony!"

"I'm sorry…" Monkey sighed. "But that's not going to happen…"


	11. Finding Po

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover.**

**Almost done! Phew!  
**

**Keep reviewing, and I hope to see some constructive (but not too harsh) criticism somewhere!**

* * *

As Monkey sat in the living room in front of Tigress and Viper, apologising profusely while at the same time trying to avoid revealing anything that had happened, Crane and Mantis sat together on the floor in the main hall, guilt-stricken.

"I can't believe Po's going to miss his ceremony." Crane sighed. "He'd been waiting for this day for weeks."

"What kind of warriors are we if we can't even find a giant panda?" Mantis asked.

"We couldn't even protect a baby!" Crane agreed.

"This is all my fault." Mantis moaned. "If I hadn't confused that stupid Dairyu Plant for Beetroot Essence, none of this would have happened."

"How did a bottle of Dairyu Plant Juice get in the food cabinet, anyway?" Crane asked.

"Dairyu Plant Juice?""

Zeng had just entered the room.

"Yeah, Zeng." Said Crane without looking at the palace goose. "Mantis found a bottle of Dairyu Plant Juice in the food cabinet and mistook it for beetroot essence."

"But it is beetroot essence! I bought it myself!"

Crane and Mantis froze.

"_You_ put the Dairyu Plant Juice in the food cabinet?" Crane stared.

"Yes, I bought it along with the other kitchen supplies two days ago. What is Dairyu Plant Juice, anyway?"

"I can't believe this!" Crane stared at the ceiling before looking back at Zeng. "Dairyu Plant Juice, for your information, is the Poison of Temporary Madness. You gave us _Psycho Juice_!"

"Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry!" Zeng clapped with wings over his mouth. "I honestly thought it was beetroot essence!"

"Don't worry about it!" Crane groaned, and fell back on the floor.

"Zeng, it's okay." Said Mantis. "Like Crane said, I mistook it for beetroot essence myself."

"I guess I wasn't really paying attention when I bought the supplies." Zeng sighed and sat down on the floor next to the two warriors. "I remember chatting with my cousin while at the market. He runs a bamboo stall, you see. We were talking about which types of bamboo were best for use as construction supports and pull up bars."

"Aren't there over 1200 types of bamboo?" Mantis asked.

Crane was lying flat out on the floor, wings spread out to the sides, when something clicked in his head.

"Wait, what did you say?" He lifted his head to look at Zeng.

"I said I mistook the Psycho Juice for beetroot essence." The goose said.

"No, after that."

"My cousin runs a bamboo stall."

"No, no…" Crane got back into a sitting position. "You said that you and your cousin were talking about which types of bamboo were best used for construction supports and…"

* * *

It had been ten minutes since they had arrived, but Monkey still couldn't bring himself to look up at the two women in front of him.

"You see… what I'm trying to say is..."

WHAM!

Monkey was suddenly bowled over by a black crested Crane.

"What are you doing?" Viper and Tigress leapt from their seats.

"Sorry, but we've gotta go!" Crane exclaimed as Monkey rolled about on the floor, winded.

"Crane, what the heck is going on?" Viper demanded.

Crane spoke fast and all in one breath.

"You see Po got ill with food poisoning and we came here to let you know that Po may not be in the best of shape for the ceremony but now he will be feeling better now and we need to go back to the palace and get him but we've really got to go so _bye_!"

Crane gasped, and before Viper and Tigress could do anything, he had grabbed Monkey and dragged him out of the building along with a very confused Mantis.

"What the hell, Crane?" Monkey gasped as the rushed down the path towards the river.

"I know where Po is!" Crane yelled.

Monkey and Mantis stared.

* * *

"I don't know, it just came to me." Crane explained as the trio sailed down the river at breakneck speed on their ruined boat.

"Just tell us what's going on!" Mantis snapped.

"You see, I figured it out when Zeng mentioned the discussion he and his cousin had about which bamboo types would be good for pull up bars." Crane said. "Monkey, do you remember that time when Po had to do five pull ups so we could get lunch?"

"Yeah, so what's the… OH MY GAWD!" Monkey yelled at the top of his voice.

"What? What are you guys talking about?" Mantis asked, bewildered.

"Monkey, you, me and Tigress had to help Po with the last three pull ups, and the combined weight caused us all to fall through the floor!" Crane went on. "My guess is that during our night out, Po tried to do pull ups again, and we tried to help, and then the same thing happened!"

"Mantis, yesterday you said that there was a huge hole in the floor next to the pull up bars!" Monkey said excitedly.

"We probably climbed out and then left Po in there as a prank!" Said Crane. "But it's not so funny now because… we forgot where we left him."

"We're pretty moronic, aren't we?" Mantis sighed.

"Do you think he's still in there?" Monkey asked.

"Only one way to find out."

* * *

"POOO!"

"PO, BUDDY, ARE YOU IN HERE?"

The trio burst into the Training Hall and rushed straight for the large hole in the floor, screaming Po's name over and over.

"PO! PO, WE'RE HERE! ARE YOU OKAY?"

They peered over the edge, and saw nothing but darkness.

"Can anyone see him?" Crane asked.

"Crane, fly in and check it out!" Monkey said.

Crane flapped his wings and descended into the hole. A few seconds later, they heard him screaming.

"HE'S HEEEEEERE! HE'S OKAY!"

Monkey and Mantis gasped in relief.

They had done it! **They had found ****Po****!**

It took fifteen minutes to extricate the dazed and thirsty panda from the hole.

"What the _heck_ is going _on_?" He asked in confusion while supported by Crane and (to some extent) Mantis. There were several huge bumps on his head, most likely from the countless times he had fallen on his head while trying to get out of the hole.

"Don't worry, you're going to be alright!" Monkey said, giddy with relief. "But we've gotta go!"

Po blinked several times.

"I'm becoming a master, today." He said.

"Yeah, that's why we've gotta get to the village!" Monkey agreed. "Now move your bunny tail and let's go!"

Suddenly Po's face contorted as a certain unpleasant memory involving a primate abandoning him in the hole returned to him.

"YOU FREAKING MORON!"

The panda lunged at Monkey, knocking him to the floor… and then rolled off and started yelling in pain.

"OH, AH, CRAMPS!" He gasped as his concerned friends surrounded him. "STIFF ARMS! STIFF LEGS! OW, AH, OH…"

"Po, are you alright?" Crane raised a wing towards his friend.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Po bellowed. His friends took a step back. "Shut up! Just _shut up_!" His breathing returned to normal as the pain slowly subsided. "Just get me to the festival… just get me to the festival…"

The trio glanced at each other and the panda lay on the ground, not daring to move.

* * *

Crane carried their festival clothes as Monkey quickly but carefully pushed Po onto the boat, using a wheelbarrow to do the job. Po was busying himself with downing the contents of a large bottle of water.

"We only have an hour and forty five minutes to get to the village in time for the festival!" Crane groaned. "We'll never make it, even with the boat!"

"We can if you use your Wings of Justice to propel the boats!" Monkey said. "The sails are intact, so it'll work. But we've gotta hurry!"

"Alright, let's go!" Said Mantis. Then he noticed Anming watching them from the tea shop right next to the canal. "In a few minutes!" He leapt off the boat.

"Mantis, what are you doing?" Crane started to say, when he saw Mei Ling in the very same tea shop, cuddling little Kuo. "I'll be with you guys in a minute." He followed Mantis off the boat.

Monkey groaned in frustration and leant against Po's wheelbarrow.

"Why is Crane dressed like a vulture?" Po asked.

"No idea." Monkey replied.

* * *

"Hi." Said Crane as he sat on the table next to Mei Ling.

"Hi, Crane." Mei Ling smiled.

"Sorry, but we're going to have to make this quick." Said Crane apologetically. "We have to be at a festival in an hour or two."  
"It's okay, I understand." Said Mei Ling. "I just wanted to say thank you for saving me and my son." Kuo cooed as she said this and tugged slightly on Crane's wing tip.

"Ah, it was nothing. What are old friends for?" Crane grinned as he patted the cub's head. He winced as the seat rubbed against his bare and still very sore butt. "I look ridiculous, don't I? You know, with all my feathers missing."

"Well you did pull them out yourself."

Crane blinked.

"_I_ pulled out my feathers?"

"Yeah."

"Why would I pull out my own feathers?"

"Well…" Mei Ling giggled. "Mantis bet you that you weren't so hardcore a warrior that you could pull out your own feathers."

"Ooooooh… _did he_?" Crane glared in Mantis's direction.

"You did win." Mei Ling piped up.

"Yeah, this is victory right here." Crane replied sarcastically, rubbing his bare scalp.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better…" Mei Ling said. "I thought you were very hardcore taking on that bet." Crane couldn't help but smile.

"Guys, come on!" Monkey called from the boat. "We're wasting time!"

"Sorry, I've gotta go." Crane got up. On his way out of the shop, he stopped and turned to Mei Ling.

"Mei Ling…"

"Yes?"

"It was good to see you again."

Mei Ling smiled and waved in goodbye as Crane left the shop. Kuo giggled happily as he copied his mother.

* * *

"Hi." Said Mantis as he joined Anming at her own table.

"Hi, Mantis." Said Anming.

There was a silence between the two for several seconds.

"I just wanted to say… thanks for helping us with the rescue. I didn't you could ride a boat so well." Mantis said.

"Your welcome. And thank you." Anming smiled. Then said smile faded. "About our engagement…"

"Yeah?" Mantis felt his heart skip a beat.

"I guess we should call it off."

"Yeah, you're right!" Relief flooded Mantis's little body.

"The thing was a stupid mistake."

"Yeah, it was, wasn't it?" Mantis agreed. Then he realised how that may have sounded. "Not that I don't like you! It's just that I can't believe that I would propose to someone I had only known for five minutes."

"Well, you were pretty wasted." Anming giggled.

"Yeah, I was, wasn't I? Um… Anming… I've been thinking…"

"Yes?"

"When are you free next week?" He asked.

"Mondays and Thursdays. Why?"

"Well…" Mantis blushed. "After we get back… do you think… we could go out to dinner?"

"You mean like a date?" Anming blinked.

"Yeah, like a date!" Mantis said. "Hopefully one I'll remember."

"Sure." Anming beamed. "Next Monday will be great."

"I know this noodle shop owned by Po's dad. He cooks the most awesome noodles!"

"Then it's settled."

Then they heard Monkey calling for them.

"Your friends are waiting."

"Yeah." Mantis got up from his seat. "I'll see you next Monday then."

"Bye!"

Anming smiled as Mantis rushed back to the boat along with Crane and they took off down the canal and disappeared into the distance.


	12. Moon Festival

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover.**

**Almost there! Just one... more... chapter...**

* * *

Inside Grand Master Viper's house in Viper's hometown, Master Shifu was in the worst rage he had been in since he had discovered that Po had snuck old enemy Taotie into the Training Hall.

"Where _are_ those four?" Shifu thundered as he paced around the living room. Viper and Tigress watched him in silence, half angry and half scared. "Never in my years as a kung fu master have I seen such ridiculous irresponsibility!"

"They said they were getting Po from the palace." Tigress said. "Apparently Po suffered food poisoning."

Viper thanked the gods that the feline was such a good liar.

"Don't worry, master, I'm sure they'll be here." The snake added.

"I swear, if that panda misses his own ceremony, I'll make him complete the obstacle course fifty times in a row! No, make that a hundred and fifty!" He continued to pace, muttering words that would make a mother wash her child's mouth out just for being in the same room as him.

* * *

"KA-KAW!" Crane cawed as he flapped his wings, propelling the boat at twice its normal speed.

"So let me get this straight…" Po said as Monkey bandaged his bruised head. "You guys spent a day and a half wandering all over the valley trying to find me, getting into a _motherload_ of trouble along the way, when I was back at the palace all along?"

"That's about it." Said Mantis as he rode the steering wheel in the same manner as Anming.

"And we actually stole a baby elephant, Jong's son, and my dad's noodle cart?"

"Yeah. You don't wanna know what your dad did to punish us."

"And we seriously teamed up with Jong Sung Jai Kai Chow to win a mah-jong tournament?"

"Yeah." Mantis looked at the panda guiltily. "Sorry your first night out didn't go so well."

"Nah, don't be." To the trio's surprise, Po was grinning. "To be honest, when I woke up last morning… I felt really, _really_ good. Don't ask why, I don't remember."

"Really?" Monkey asked in disbelief as he finished wrapping the bandage. "It wasn't a total disaster?"

"No, it was really awesome. Thanks for the party, guys."

"Your welcome, buddy." Mantis grinned back. "Now let's get to that festival!"

* * *

"Is there any sign of them yet, Viper?"

"No, father." Viper sighed sadly as she encountered her father next to the stairs. "Master Shifu is getting very worried."

_Worried_ was an understatement. They could still hear the red panda's furious rants emanating from the living room door.

"Well, don't worry. I'm sure your friends will make it in time." Great Master Viper placed a comforting tail on the back of his daughter's head. "Remember, I was their age once."

Viper chuckled as she understood what her father was talking about. Then her face fell at the thought of what Shifu would do if the guys _didn't_ make it.

* * *

"Crane, stop flapping and come inside!" Monkey said. "We have to get changed into our festival clothes!"

Crane, Monkey and Po rushed below deck while Mantis remained at the wheel. For the next few minutes, the insect overheard scuffles, crashes and even a few curse words as the three men struggled into their other clothes while cramped in the small space below deck. Then they eventually emerged straightening their festival clothes. Monkey rushed forward and placed a tiny black hat on Mantis's head.

"Hurry, we only have fifteen minutes!" Po yelled. "Crane, Wings of Justice!"

Crane resumed the flapping of his wings.

The boat once again sped through the water like a firework soaring through the sky.

* * *

Shifu eventually stopped ranting and sat in the corner of the living room, forehead pressed against his staff, his face like thunder. Viper and Tigress sat on the couch in silence, while Great Master Viper spent the time polishing his deadly and infamous fangs. Zeng was in the kitchen, helping with the transportation of the moon cakes.

There were only minutes left.

Where were they?

In a few minutes, the festival would begin, and then…

BAM!

The door suddenly burst open, and four exhausted and well dressed men stumbled into the room.

Master Shifu, Viper, Tigress, and Great Master Viper looked up, both relieved and startled.

There was a long silence.

"So…" Po spoke up after a while. "Where're the moon cakes? I'm starving!"

* * *

Sky lantern soared into the sky as the kung fu warriors watched the Dragon Dances while eating their moon cakes.

"It's so great to finally meet you, Great Master Viper." Said Po after taking a huge bite out of his cake. "Your famous Poison Fang Technique is _awesome_!"

"Thank your for the compliment, Dragon Warrior."

"I'm just sorry that we cut it a little close today."

"Night outs." Master Viper chuckled. "I understand perfectly."

Po chuckled back nervously.

Meanwhile, the daughter of Great Master Viper was interrogating Crane as to the mystery of his plucked appearance.

"It was just a stupid accident!" Crane protested.

"Don't give me that!" Viper snapped. "It's obvious those feathers were removed on purpose, now I want to know what happened to you and I want to know now!"

As Crane stammered out an excuse, Mantis was busy having an intense debate with Monkey.

"Beetroot Extract and Psycho Juice look exactly the same and you know it!" Mantis snapped.

"Uh, uh!" Monkey retorted. "I'll have you know that Psycho Juice is at least three shades darker than Beetroot Extract! Some say it even looks like blood!"

"What's this talk about Psycho Juice?" Tigress suddenly appeared behind them.

"Nothing!"

"Nothing!"

"Where's Po?" Tigress asked.

"He's over there with Viper's dad." Mantis replied.

As soon as the striped feline was out of ear-shot, the two guys resumed their argument, but in a slightly lower volume.

"Po…" Tigress tapped the panda on the shoulder, attracting his attention. "It's almost time for the ceremony. Shifu's waiting for you."

"Alright!" Po grinned at the prospect of becoming a master at last, but said grin faded a little at the thought of what Shifu would say about their lateness.

"Um… Tigress?" He asked as they walked through the crowd towards the square.

"Yes, Po?"

"Do you remember anything, about that night?"

Tigress frowned.

"No. Why?"

"Well, we were all pretty wasted, so none of us can remember anything."

"Well… there was this one thing…" Tigress stroked her chin in thought. "When I woke up yesterday morning, I felt really good for some reason… almost as if something really amazing had happened to me the night before."

"Hey, the same thing happened with me!" Po exclaimed. "Maybe it's because we had a pretty awesome time!"

"Perhaps… ah, there's Master Shifu."

Master Shifu was standing waiting by a large stage in the town square. Po gulped a little at the expression on the master's face.

"I'll get the others." Tigress disappeared into the crowd.

Po slowly and reluctantly stepped up to Shifu.

"Where were you?" Shifu asked in a low yet furious voice. "And what happened to your head?"

"Master…" Po rubbed his bandaged head. "It's a… _looooooong_ story."

Shifu continued to glower at him.

"But I am so… _sooooooo_ sorry… and I promise… that for as long as I am your student… that I will never… _ever_… put you through anything like this again." Po smiled slightly. "Can you forgive me?"

Shifu stared at him for a long moment… and then his expression softened.

"Let's get started."

And so both master and student ascended the steps to the stage.

* * *

Po was still grinning like a little kid long after the ceremony had finished. He, Monkey and Crane sat together in the little garden next to Grand Master Viper's house, eating the remaining moon cakes. The others had long gone inside.

"Po… that was an _awesome_ ceremony." Monkey grinned at his friend. "How do you feel now that you're officially a kung fu master like us?"

"Well I'll put it like this…" Po swallowed the last of his cake. "It was the best day of my life."

"I give it five months before the title gives you a swelled head and Shifu literally kicks you outta the palace." Monkey grinned.

"You're a jerk." Crane muttered. "Well I'm happy for you, Po. We all are. There's just one thing that still bothers me…"

"What's that?"

"I just wish we could remember that night out we had."

"Hey guys!" Mantis was running up to them, a wide grin on his face. "Look what I've got!"

The guys saw that the insect was holding a pile of small paintings.

"What are those?" Crane asked.

"You remember Feng, the artist who did our painting at the Winter Festival? Well it turns out that we hired him to follow us all night, and paint over a hundred pictures of us partying! He came to see me right after the ceremony to give us them!"

"Holy crap!" Po grabbed the pictures.

"Oh god, does it show me pulling out my feathers?"

"Yeah."

"Does it show me getting hit on the head with a mace, cause I'd like to see that!"

"Gimme those paintings! Let's burn them!"

Po raised the paintings high out of Crane's frantic reach.

"Hey guys, settle down, I know what to do!" the panda said. The trio settled down slightly.

There was a pause before Po spoke again.

"We look at the pictures once… just once… and then we burn the evidence."

"I say we burn them right now!" Crane said. But he along with his friends gathered round Po, who covered the top painting with his hand.

"Guys… just one time…"

Then the panda lifted his hand.

"Uh!"

"Oh dear lord!"

"Gah!"

"Oh, that's _classic_!"

* * *

**This isn't the end! Watch out for the epilogue!**


	13. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover.  
**

**Finally, my very first fanfiction finished!  
**

**Three rules concerning the reading of the epilogue:  
**

**1-I can't draw worth a damn, so I wrote down little captions that would turn up at the bottom of the pictures.  
**

**2-The groups of pictures are not entirely in chronological order.  
**

**3-Use your imagination when reading these captions!**

* * *

Pictures 1- 4

The trio and Po and Tigress gathered round a table in a busy tavern.

Crane squares up with an ox bandit.

Crane flaps his wings and pokes the ox in the nose.

Ox swings a right hook.

Misses Crane and hits Po's face instead, making his eyes go different directions.

Pictures 5-10

Mantis dances on Monkey's head with a flaming chopstick.

Po and Tigress screaming in the middle of a riot.

Crane flings a powder keg at Anvil of Heaven.

Close up of Po's face as he screams.

Monkey gets hit on head by flying mace.

Monkey out cold on the ground, surrounded by debris.

Pictures 11-15

Monkey in bed.

Hong wrapping bandage round his head while scowling in disapproval.

Friends surround Monkey.

Monkey takes huge swig of rice wine.

Laughs and points at his head.

Pictures 16-22

Monkey poses with crossbow in street.

Po flexing right arm while Tigress sits on it, one leg over the other.

Mantis snoozing in a soldier's helmet.

Crane swings mace with his talon in middle of street.

Crane flings mace into shop window.

Crane vomits.

Pictures 23-27

Po lifts noodle cart with one arm.

Tigress does a handstand while balancing noodle cart on one foot.

Close up of Mantis stuck under one wheel.

Monkey squished against wall by Po pushing noodle cart against him.

Crane sticking head into noodle cart like an ostrich.

Pictures 28-32

Group outside Kwan's house.

Kwan sleeping in bed.

Monkey and Crane leaning over sleeping Kwan.

Crane pretending to punch Kwan.

Mantis drawing glasses around Kwan's eyes with black paint.

Pictures 33-39

Group gathered in Kwan's garden round baby elephant.

Monkey riding baby elephant like a horse.

Po in an arm wrestling match with baby elephant's trunk.

Tigress screaming as baby elephant sticks trunk down back of vest.

Crane playing peek-a-boo with baby elephant.

Mantis stuck under baby elephant's foot.

Mantis stuck head first in baby elephant's mouth.

Pictures 40-44

Mantis sipping rice wine with Anming.

Mantis kneeling before Anming.

Mantis and Anming snogging.

Po and Tigress sniffling into their handkerchiefs, arm in arm.

Anming giving Mantis a piggyback ride.

Pictures 45-51

Monkey, Mantis, Crane and Jong at a mah-jong table.

Group hugging Crane.

Jong kissing Crane on right cheek.

Jong kissing Crane on left cheek.

Po passed out on mah-jong table.

Pictures 52-56

Mei Ling watching as Crane plucks feathers from top of head with pliers.

Monkey and Mantis guffawing as Crane continues plucking down the neck.

Crane roaring in triumph as he removes last feather.

Mei Ling looking disgruntled as Crane grins at 'camera'.

Pictures 57-65

Po attempting pull up.

Bamboo pull up bar breaks.

Po attempting to pull up.

Bamboo pull up bar bends.

Tigress, Crane and Monkey lift Po as he pulls up.

Tigress, Crane, Monkey and Po mid-fall as they crash through floor.

Mantis gaping at hole in floor.

Tigress, Crane and Monkey climb out.

Bird's eye view of hole as trapped Po looks up.

Pictures 66-83

Po wearing golden shield as hat.

Tigress posing with Lady Wind Song's Fan.

Monkey staring at Sword of Heroes.

Monkey yelling in pain waving his arm.

Monkey sucking thumb.

Mantis lifting jade tortoise bowl.

Mantis flinging jade tortoise bowl from top of stairs.

Crane vomiting into Urn of Whispering Warriors.

Po swimming in Moon Pool.

Po, Tigress and Monkey roasting marshmallows over Field of Fiery Death.

Crane passed out in bathtub.

Monkey trying on Flying Rhino's armour.

Mantis dragging Monkey's bed into Hall of Warriors.

Mantis sets bed on fire.

Sets antennae on fire.

Mantis screams.

Mantis dives into Moon Pool.

Group posing in front of Moon Pool, charred and soaking Mantis in the middle.

Po and Tigress kissing in Po's bedroom.

* * *

**Well, that's that!  
**

**I case anyone's wondering, Po and Tigress did NOT do anything dirty that night.  
**

**Thanks for reading my first fanfiction... and watch out for Part II!  
**


End file.
